The Conflict Resolution Workout!! by Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

Election Campaigns, Attack ads and Leadership by Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

2011-09-27T22:36:00.000-04:00

It’s election time in Ontario Canada and as voters we are again being treated to an ongoing series of attack ads comprised of nasty innuendoes, insults, mudslinging and name calling on TV and radio. While I understand the need for party leaders and candidates to differentiate themselves from their opponents, the maliciousness, low blows and targeted negativity that some appear to feel is acceptable behavior demonstrates a lack of respect for voters and for others involved in the political process.

The ongoing acrimony between some of the candidates in this election is a distraction from the serious issues facing the province today. And it’s frustrating for citizens who are looking for solid and credible leadership and clarity on what is planned by each candidate.

But isn’t this just what citizens should expect when there is a volatile political race underway? After all – politics is all about making points where you can and minimizing the hits someone else can take against you… isn’t it?

It may be the historical tradition but is it an effective strategy during an election campaign? Is it an acceptable strategy for politicians in general? And what is the cost??

And most importantly, what is voter reaction to this as a strategy?

When politicians and candidates are busy taking pot-shots at each other, it sets a tone of unprofessionalism and nastiness that quite frankly does not endear them to voters and does little to build confidence and trust in our leaders. I assume that the idea is based on the misguided premise that voters are ok with it. Many years ago as a child l learned from my grandmother that “we don’t make ourselves look bigger by making someone else look smaller”. It would appear to be a lesson lost on many politicians and candidates.

In my experience, much of the cynicism and skepticism that pervades our society with respect to our political system is linked to a lack of credibility and trust in our politicians. It would seem to me that if politicians are serious about wanting to increase the number of people who take our democratic political system seriously enough to show up on Election Day and cast their vote, there is a need for this credibility issue to be tackled head on.

If we look at the great leaders of history, they are characterized by a level of personal integrity and professionalism that built credibility rather than trashing it. It is hard to imagine Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, Ed Broadbent, Winston Churchill, JF Kennedy or Jack Layton succumbing to the temptation to slip into personal attacks, partial truths, unsubstantiated accusations, misinformation innuendo to make their point. Yet we seem subjected to a steady stream of this in our current political climate – at all levels of government.

What are the long term implications?

There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight it’s the grass that suffers the most”. The greatest casualty of a dirty or nasty political campaign based on is the serious discussion of serious issues requiring serious solutions.

We have a crying need for frank and candid discussions and serious collaboration to solve the many crises facing us at a local, regional, national and global level. This means tough major decisions required to at all levels of government to move us forward into the next decades. When those discussions get mired in nastiness and the focus of the discussions is lost, we all lose.

When we elect politicians to make decisions on our behalf, we are entrusting them with the future of this country, its citizens and our contribution to the solution of global problems. We have no shortage of major problems requiring serious and credible solutions. Canadians have a right to expect leadership, integrity and credibility from their politicians – it is what we elect them to provide as they make critical decisions. Where is the professionalism in personal attacks and mud-slinging?

So as voters choose which candidate they will support in this or any election, that choice is influenced not only by how candidates conduct themselves during the election campaign but also what happens between elections. After all, how you do anything is how you do everything. And s/he who slings dirt, loses ground – at least for me and I believe for many other voters!

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

For more information contact:
Ruth Sirman
President and Senior Mediator
CanMediate International
Phone: 613-256-3852
Cell: 613-298-8105
Email: rsirman@canmediate.com
Website: www.canmediate.com

Transforming Conflict in the Middle East

2011-07-22T12:45:00.002-04:00

"If we want to have peace we must talk with our enemies. There is no need to talk with our friends - we already have peace with them" - this was said to me by an Palestinian ex-soldier as we walked together to the bus at the close of the Opening Ceremonies of the Transforming Conflict Conference in Amman Jordan last night. (www.cbiworld.org). He had arrived in Amman earlier in the day with a group of Israeli Jews and Palestinians who work together to try to reduce conflict and bring peace between their countries.They are part of a group of Jews, Muslims and Christians from more than 12 countries who are spending 4 days talking together about their pain, their fears, their hopes. While they have been difficult conversations in many cases, at the same time they have been respectful and constructive conversations. And the questions being raised are similar for all sides:

How do we acknowledge and reconcile the hurt and the pain caused by both sides?
How do we create a better and safer future for our children?
How do we get our respective governments to listen to the people and stop the aggression?
How can we find solutions to the seemingly insurmountable problems between Israel and Palestine?
What actions can I take as one person (Muslim, Jew, Christian) that will make a difference?
How do we help our people to heal, so we can move forward without the pain?

The conference continues in Amman and the discussions will go on as well...

Conflict Resolution Workout!!

Think of a situation of deep-rooted intractable conflict in the world:
1. What is the cost of that conflict?
2. What have you been told - by the media, by your friends and neighbors about the situation?
3. How accurate is the information? How objective? What is the cost of filtered, inaccurate or incomplete information?
4. What can you do to start making a difference in your corner of the world?

Working as a mediator, trainer and speaker since 1992, Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of Alternative Dispute Resolution. She has been called a talented mediator, a high content speaker, an amazing trainer, a ‘tell-it-like-it-is realist, a stand up comedian with a message and a few others things as well… But no matter what you call her, know that her objective in life is to help people learn to manage the tough situations they create – and live to tell about it!

For more information, check out www.canmediate.com.

When Conflict Makes Us Crazy!

2011-07-11T16:30:00.002-04:00

When things happen to us we have choices we can make:
1. We can take it personally (the 'ME' view) and react negatively towards the individual or group by:

get angry or hurt,
tell ourselves a story about how unfair this is,
get caught up in the drama and tell others about our misfortune
go on a blamestorming binge and demonize the person or group we believe have caused us this grief
make choices or take action to rectify the situation which frequently includes some type of retribution against the guilty party(ies) or withdrawal / pulling back to protect ourselves from any further harm.

The stories we tell can be very powerful and influence our reactions to the situation. The story typically sounds something like "Well, that was rude / unreasonable / unfair / unnecessary... How could they be so unprofessional, nasty, mean, stupid... and so on...).
2. We can look at the bigger picture (the 'SYSTEM' view) and try to see what may be going on in the larger system that may be influencing what is happening to us.. in other words we can distance ourselves from assuming that because there has been a negative impact that the intention was to hurt / upset us.

The broader system view provides us with the potential to:

understand what is going on for others,
to step back from elevating assumptions to the level of fact (and then acting on those assumptions
to avoid getting hooked and derailed by the story we have told ourselves
maintain our focus on our priorities and doing what is necessary to achieve our goals and objectives
continue to work collaboratively with others in our system to achieve success

When we are able to shift to a System view, our potential for clarifying our perspective to the others involved, hearing their perspective, working things out and moving forward without losing our ability to meet our goals and objectives increases dramatically!

The Conflict Resolution Workout!!

Think of a situation in which you have found yourself upset / angry at another person at work, at home or in your community:
1. What was your reaction / how were you feeling at the time? how have you been feeling since?
2. What story did you tell yourself about their actions or choices?
3. To what degree did you get caught in the 'Me' view or were you able to stay in the 'System' view?
4. What action did you choose to take?
5. What would it take for you to move from the 'Me' view to the 'System' view?
6. What would you gain and what would you lose by shifting your focus?

If a quick conversation with us would help you move from the 'ME' view to the 'SYSTEM' view, send us an email at info at canmediate.com.

For more information, check out www.canmediate.com.

Tales From the Bar Stool™ - The Role of Stories in Escalating Conflict

2011-04-20T12:07:00.001-04:00

How often do we hear someone who is typically upset with someone else expressing sentiments like “It’s all their fault….” or “I didn’t do anything wrong…” or “It’s not fair….” or “S/he only did that to make me mad…”. When we are upset with someone else, it is easy to slip into the mindset that the other person is the author of all our woes, and if only they would realize that and CHANGE or fix things – then everything would be all right.

And there are certainly times when other people’s actions and behaviour can cause us problems. There is no denying that…. But how often if we were to ask the other person for their perspective on the situation, would they tell a very different tale?

When a conflict erupts between 2 people or a group of people, each person in that group will tell themselves a story about what is going on. I have my story, you have yours and so does everyone else involved. Initially our stories may be somewhat tentative – particularly if we are not sure about what is happening but as time goes on and particularly if the situation does not get resolved easily, the stories become more defined, more specific and more detailed. And the more frequently we tell the story – either to ourselves or to others the more the details, theories and hypothesis’ get embellished and amplified pulling in anything and everything that even remotely supports our theory of what is going on.

The challenge here is that when people get caught in the stories they tell themselves and start to see those stories as being the “True” representation of what is happening, there is the potential for problems. Because in a conflict situation, everyone has a story. And typically, everyone is firmly convinced that THEIR story is the right one… and that any other story (like yours) is WRONG… And the more we try to convince the other person of the validity of our own story… and the more they try to convince us of the validity of their story, the more entrenched we can become in our positions and the harder it becomes to resolve the problem.

So when conflict erupts in a workplace, managers and HR professionals are often left struggling to figure out who started it, where the responsibility lies and how to get things resolved to the point where people will get back to work. This can create major challenges for the manager or HR professional who may be trying to deal with what has become a battleground rather than a workplace. Typically in this type of situation, things have been brewing over a period of time and then something triggers an escalation of the situation that takes the conflict to another whole level. In some of the interventions in which we have been involved, there have been verbal and physical threats made against co-workers or the manager, people are taking sides and everyone is recruiting support wherever they can find it. There is usually another group of people who would prefer to stay out of it and just do their job – but often this becomes virtually impossible as the tension escalates. And unwittingly, many of these people are also contributing to the problem.

As the person who is trying to address the situation we have some choices in terms of how to help people address the ‘stories’ that are framing their perspectives.

While the story-telling that we do as individuals is unlikely to stop – we can choose how much power we choose to give our story simply by being aware of the times when it’s happening.

Strategies to try:

Try being the detached observer who listens to the story and just notices how easy it is to see the ‘other’ as the villain… and then make your choice whether you want to change your story or not.
Ask what other possibilities are there that could explain the situation? Perhaps even though they may not have succeeded well, the other person’s intention was to try and help you!! Despite the best of intentions the results are not always positive for the other person. Everyone (including you) is someone’s difficult person at some point in time.
Question the assumptions. We often elevate assumptions to ‘Facts’. While it is unlikely we will ever stop making assumptions we can become more skilled at recognizing assumptions and more willing to question them – both when we are the one doing it but also when others may be making assumptions about us (or others). Simply posing the question in a conversation or meeting “What led you to make that decision?” or “What assumptions is that based on?” or “What leads you to believe (or say) that?” can put the assumptions on the table constructively for verification or clarification. The results from these simple questions can be astounding!

Ultimately, the best conflict management tool is constructive openness and honesty and a genuine desire to understand. This means a willingness to engage in sometimes tough discussions where we put our real issues and concerns on the table and invite others to do the same. This means that we will find ourselves in the position of needing to clarify what is causing problems for us that may be difficult for others to hear. And then we have to be prepared to listen when others may tell us things we don’t want to hear. Can we step back from getting defensive and listen for the useful messages that may help us to do things better? That takes practice and self-awareness!

Ultimately, we each have a choice as to how we want to react in any situation in which we find ourselves and while it is tempting to want to give the credit for how badly we are feeling to someone else, there is ultimate power in realizing that we are the authors of our own destiny and whether we feel good or bad is entirely up to us!

The Conflict Resolution Workout!™

The next time you become aware of a conflict (yours or someone else's), observe and listen to the story telling that happens.

In a conflict that is personal for you:

Be aware of how it is impacting on you personally - physically, emotionally, mentally.
How objective is the story you are telling yourself?
Are there other possible explanations for what happened?
What impact could your story have on the situation if it is not complete or accurate?

If the conflict is between other people:

Have you heard everyone's story (or just one person's)?
How similar / different are the stories?
Are assumptions being elevated to the level of fact? - If yes, to what degree could those assumptions escalate the conflict?
How much influence could those stories have on how this conflict evolves?
How could you help people to understand the power of the stories they are telling? (suggestion: see the strategies

For more information, check out www.canmediate.com.

What’s your default Conflict Blueprint™? CMI’s RUTH SIRMAN on ROGERS DAYTIME OTTAWA

2010-11-17T00:30:00.000-05:00

Workplace conflict expert to speak about personal responses to conflict on Roger’s Daytime-Ottawa

Ruth Sirman, Mediator and Workplace Conflict Expert, will be appearing on Rogers Daytime Ottawa on Wednesday November 17, 2010 at 11:10 am to discuss our individual responses to conflict when it arises and how that response can escalate conflicts – in the workplace and in other areas of life.

What do you bring to the table in a conflict situation? Does it help or hinder resolving it?

Every human being has a default pattern that defines our instinctive reactions in conflict situations. Most of us are unaware what that pattern is, where it came from and whether it is supporting our success or impeding it. However, our own personal Conflict Blueprint is a key factor in defining our reactions, our personal leadership style, and our choices particularly in those times when our response is most important – in situations of crisis and conflict.

While there are many factors that influence what goes on in an organization, few things have the potential to derail the group’s capacity to function normally like a good conflict. And unresolved or poorly resolved conflict can rapidly escalate a minor problem into a negative dynamic that can create unparalleled levels of dysfunctionality, stress, tension and disruption. Everyone has a default Conflict Blueprint that influences their own personal reactions. In a workplace the combination of personal styles plus the organizational culture and the level and style of leadership in the organization can heavily influence the success (or failure) of the organization to achieve the results it requires for success.

“As mediators who specialize in working with large complex conflicts in dysfunctional situations, we recognize the challenges in creating work teams with positive dynamics and the capacity to deal effectively with the day to day conflicts and stressors that happen. Understanding the role that these default conflict drivers we all have, can help us to determine if our default style of addressing conflict is supporting our success or getting in our way” Sirman explains.

The increasing focus on creating healthy working environments puts an added amount of attention on conflict in the workplace. As employers, managers and employees work to create positive and healthy working environments, greater understanding and knowledge of what causes conflicts to escalate can make the difference between a dysfunctional working environment that risks complaints, grievances and investigations and a healthy working environment that contributes to a successful and productive organization.

The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few moments and think about:
1. How do you react when someone upsets you at work? at home? (are the reactions similar or different?)
2. How is your style of reacting similar or different from the styles of others in your family (mother, father, siblings, grandparents, others...)?
3. What about your reaction style works to resolve the conflict?
4. What does not work? (ie makes things worse)
5. What could you do differently that would increase your ability to resolve conflicts effectively?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

2010-11-14T20:43:00.001-05:00

This past week was the Systems In Action conference put on by Pegasus Communications in Boston USA- good sessions, great keynotes and lots of thought provoking discussions on the issues facing us in organizations, communities and globally. The following was running through my head at 5am on the final day... enjoy...

Systems Thinking Song - Pegasus Systems Conference
Written by Ruth Sirman
Tune: She’ll be Coming Round the Mountain When They Come

We’ll be looping on the mountain when they come
Cause Pegasus has brought us here to have some fun
We’ve brought fears and dreams and stories
We’ve brought history and choices
And we’ll never stop until the sun’s long gone.

There’ll be mindfulness and artistry galore
As we strive to help the world discover more
Of the ways that we’re connected
As the old ways are rejected
And th’politicians will not even know the score…

And when Daniel got up on the stage to speak
About generations 1 and 2 and 3
We learned what it takes to move through
All the stages that we need to
So our leaders can ensure we’re at our peak

And then Per got out his Lego and his toys
And we built the world’s worst boss with glee and joy
And we found that when our hands worked
It helped to make our brains work
And the metaphors became part of our voice.

And then climate change took over for the night
As the leaders told us of the world’s plight
And the A’s and B’s got worried
Cause they’ll likely need to scurry
When the water levels rise to certain heights

Cause the bathtub’s getting fuller by the day
And the drain’s too small to take it all away
And we need to wake up quickly
Cause the problem’s getting sticky
And_ changing what we do’s the only way

So better not to buy a house along the shore
Unless the world_ quickly figures out the score
Cause the ice caps are a-melting
And the rain forest is getting
Cut down so we can eat Kit Kats from the store

And when in our labs we tend to go insane
Making compounds that support material gains
But our systems do not mimic
Nature’s strategy and gimmicks
And the laws of thermodynamics will still reign

But global nature has the answers to our prayers
If we just can figure out the wisdom there
Water, hydrogen and carbon
Are the elements of stardom
And there’s no polluting water land or air

So it’s time for all who live in worlds of ease
To wake up _ to the call of others pleas
Paper cups and bottled water
Plastics, chemicals and paper
Nature’s warning us there’s no impunity

Then-Andy showed us systems that have found the way
To address the in-equities of time and place
Against overwhelming o_dds
They’re results have changed their worlds
And the 15 F words really led the way.

And then Frances came and shared the world is small
And that if we want to make it work for all
We face challenges tremendous
Though the-possibilities are endless
But YBG and-IBG won’t help at all

And the tough world of the Middles came to light
When Barry talked about their challenges and plight
O_f Middles feeling torn
Being lost and forlorn_
As without integration they’ve no might

Then Peter talked to us about the world today
And the power of the questions that we state
They needs heart and soul and meaning
They needs relevance and planning
And the power point can then be put away…

And the kids have figured out how to resolve
Playground conflicts and fights that hurt us all
When they have the tools required
Then the adults can get fired
From the need to try to fix what they’ve evolved

And as adults we could learn a lot from them
Cause our mental models cause us great problems
Finger pointing, hurt and blame
Cause vicious cycles that can maim
Our capacity to understand the game.

And the World Café provided time to talk
A bout what it means to be here in this spot
And we worked and we challenged
Our intentions and our actions
And we doodled it right there upon the cloth.

And then David asked us what we all had learned
About possibilities and things designed to warn
Of the impact of our choices
As we listened to the voices
Asking what if all we said could now be born?

And we need to have a truly World Café
Where we link the people who have come to say
What they’re thinking and their dreaming
What they’re fearing and their scheming
That will deal with the messes that we’ve made..

And it’s all recorded up there on the wall
Cause our Kelvey worked to capture one and all
With her markers and her whimsy
With her artistry and wisdom
She has added depth and insight to it all

So then as we start to move out from this space
Spreading our infectious energy with grace
Help us take our great ambitions
and apply them with commitment
so that the entire world will run this race!

And the grassroots will be rising at the time
With their hopes and dreams and energy sublime
They’ll be changing up the old ways
for the new ones that will help to
Save the world that we’ll inhabit for all time.

©2010 Ruth Sirman

Conflict Resolution Workout!!
We live in many different systems within the context of our lives - workplaces, families, communities and the global system of which we are all members. Take a few minutes to reflect on the qualities of your key systems:
1. How would you describe the health of the systems where you spend your time? - great, good, not so good, toxic?
2. What is one small change that you could make that would make a positive difference in the system?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

Toxic Workplaces

2010-10-21T17:20:00.000-04:00

Ask any employees or manager on their way to work if, given their choice, they would choose a toxic, nasty working environment over an enjoyable, supportive one and the response will be overwhelmingly ‘NO’. Yet according to statistics quoted by Dr. Steven Stein at the “Staying on Top of Your Game™” session put on by The Psychology Foundation of Canada in Ottawa this morning, more than 20% of people surveyed in 2009 indicated that they work in a ‘Negative work climate’, that ‘Work overload’ is a problem for 27% of people and 22% feel there is a ‘Lack of recognition’ in their workplace. He also shared that 41% of working Canadians indicated that they experience significant stress at work and 50% of people indicated they are less productive as a result of that stress.

Even without a rigorous statistical analysis framework, these numbers are attention grabbing and bear closer examination as they speak to the impact stress, negative working environments and overload can have on a society. If 1 in 5 employees works in a negative or toxic work environment and fully 4/10 people are under enough stress to affect their productivity at work – what is the $$ cost of this to the Canadian economy?

Toxic working environments are not fun – and they are not productive either. While some employees may be less personally affected, the impact is still there. A mindset that recognizes – ‘if it can happen to them, it could happen to me’ will be resonating in the background. For those who are directly impacted the stress can show up as headaches, ulcers, depression, irritability, inability to concentrate, burnout… the list goes on and on.

When people are caught up in the negativity created by conflict, bullying, intimidation and nastiness, the reaction is not to focus more effectively on the work that needs to be done; it is to focus on personal safety and survival on both a personal and professional level as the risk / benefit analysis we conduct continually leads us into self-protection. As human beings we have choices about how we react.

Some fight back in an attempt to draw a line in the sand and stop the abuse. Others try to become invisible – slipping in and out as unobtrusively as possible to avoid triggering an attack. Or people may withdraw into themselves and spend vast quantities of time mulling over the situation and trying to figure out “Why ME?” Alternatively people may quietly dust off their c.v. and exercise their right to vote with their feet and move on to another job where, hopefully, things will be better. Collectively though these reactions all spell one major problem – the focus is NOT on getting the work done and the impact on the bottom line of any organization will suffer. Productivity drops, social interactions diminish and input and creativity are stifled as risk management takes over.

Ultimately, toxicity costs $$ in terms of both the financial picture and the human toll it takes.

What can you do if you are caught up in this vicious cycle of toxicity? If you are an employee, the following suggestions may help:
1.   The first thing to do is recognize what is happening and the impact it is having on you and your family.
2.   Put some ‘self-care’ strategies into place to help manage the stress – spend time doing things you enjoy away from work (sports, exercise, friends, hobbies, entertainment). Please note – neither booze nor drugs show up on that list!
3.   Document the specific situations that have happened as accurately and objectively as you can – a brief explanation of dates, times, locations, who was present, what was said… keep it short and keep it accurate!
4.   Get some help and support -Have a confidential conversation with someone you trust who is familiar with your workplace (Ombuds office, union, your manager or another manager, HR, Labour Relations, mediator, informal conflict management program coordinator, counselor or psychologist, Employee Assistance Program, colleague, security etc.) about your concerns. Ask them for some objective feedback and suggestions in terms of what you can do. Is there any chance that you are over-reacting? Are there any other factors that may be contributing to the situation? Are others having the same experience? What has been done to try to change this in the past? How are others being affected? (Note: This is not an effort to minimize what you are experiencing, just a check to be sure your seeing the picture as clearly as possible).
5.   Find the ‘people of influence’ (the go-to people who have credibility with the group preferably at all levels) in your organization and start working with them to constructively engage them in helping to create the change that is needed.
6.   Become a leader in terms of modeling the type of behaviour you would like to see in your organization. Recognize and be accountable for anything you have done that has contributed to the situation.
7.   Look for ways to constructively make your concerns known either to the individuals who are catalysts for the problems or the group if it is a group issue. You may need outside help to do this effectively.
8.   Name it for what it is. But recognize that others may not be able or ready to acknowledge your concerns.
9.   Find ways to help others succeed – how can creating the kind of workplace you (and others) want help those who are not on board yet, achieve their goals? Make a business case to them for change because as long as what they are doing is being rewarded, why would they change? And as human beings, we can only change ourselves so why would they try to change if they don’t see a good reason to do it? This is the WIIFM principle (What’s in it for me?) at work.
10.   Keep smiling – Nobody can ruin your day without your permission. Rome wasn’t built in a day but it wasn’t built by doing nothing either!

If you are the manager or employer in a situation where there is toxicity, then in addition to the suggestions above, you could:
11.   Call a staff meeting and engage people in discussing what type of workplace they want. (we can give you some simple but effective tools to facilitate that conversation - give us a call).
12.   Model the type of behaviour you want to see. If you aren’t sure how to do it, take a course, get a mentor, ask for support… but recognize that you are the DJ of the dance in your team.
13.   Consult with HR on how to counsel those whose behaviour does not meet your standards on their choices and support them to make changes by holding them accountable and if necessary imposing reasonable consequences.
14.   Find ways of framing what you want to see happen in terms of helping them be more successful – if they are engaged in seeing the change as beneficial to them, it is more likely to happen (and to stick!).
15.   Recognize those who are constructive contributors to a healthy workplace and stop rewarding in any way, the toxic behaviour.
16.   Measure and monitor the change and when you have reached your goals – celebrate!

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Election Campaigns: Professionalism and Integrity or Pot-shots and Personal Attacks

2010-09-24T15:04:00.000-04:00

It’s election time again and as usual we are being treated to an ongoing level of drama and theatrics that is on par with a good Broadway play. However, the ongoing acrimony between some of the mayoralty candidates in the race for Ottawa mayor is a distraction from the serious issues facing Ottawa citizens and the city. And it’s frustrating for citizens who are looking for solid and credible leadership and clarity on what is planned by each candidate.

But isn’t this just what citizens should expect when there is a volatile political race underway? After all – politics is all about making points where you can and minimizing the hits someone else can take against you… isn’t it?

It may be the historical tradition but is it an effective strategy during an election campaign? Is it an acceptable strategy for politicians in general? And what is the cost??

What is voter reaction to this as a strategy?

When politicians and candidates are busy taking pot-shots at each other, it sets a tone of unprofessionalism and nastiness that quite frankly does not endear them to voters and does little to build confidence and trust in our leaders. I assume that the idea is based on the misguided premise that voters are OK with it. Many years ago as a child l learned from my grandmother that “we don’t make ourselves look bigger by making someone else look smaller”. It would appear to be a lesson lost on many politicians and candidates.

In my experience, much of the cynicism and skepticism that pervades our society with respect to our political system is linked to a lack of credibility and trust in our politicians. It would seem to me that if politicians are serious about wanting to increase the number of people who take our democratic political system seriously enough to show up on Election Day and cast their vote, there is a need for this credibility issue to be tackled head on.

If we look at the great leaders of history, they are characterized by a level of personal integrity and professionalism that precludes succumbing to the temptation to slip into personal attacks, partial truths, unsubstantiated accusations and misinformation. It is hard to imagine Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, Ed Broadbent, Winston Churchill or JF Kennedy stooping to personal attacks, unsubstantiated attacks and innuendo to make their point.

What are the long term implications?

There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight it’s the grass that suffers the most”. The greatest casualty of a dirty political campaign is serious discussion of serious issues requiring serious solutions. There is a need for frank and candid discussions regarding the major decisions required to take the city and the country forward into the next decades. When those discussions get mired in nastiness and the focus of the discussions is lost, we all lose.

When we elect politicians to make decisions on our behalf, we are entrusting them with the future of this country, its citizens and our contribution to the solution of global problems. We have no shortage of major problems requiring serious and credible solutions. Canadians have a right to expect leadership, integrity and credibility from their politicians – it is what we elect them to provide as they make critical decisions. Where is the professionalism in personal attacks and mud-slinging?

So as voters choose which candidate they will support in this or any election, that choice is dictated at least in part by how candidates conduct themselves during the election campaign but also between elections. After all, how you do anything is how you do everything. And s/he who slings dirt, loses ground – at least for many voters!

The Conflict Resolution Workout!!

Give some thought to times when you have been in a 'competition' with someone else with whom you disagreed.

1. What were you thinking at the time?

2. What did you you tell yourself about them?

3. How did you react? How did they react?

4. What could you have done that would have been more constructive?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organizational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

What Is the Level of Toxicity In Your Organization or Workplace?

2010-09-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

Where Are You On The Conflict Curve?

If you have a pond and on Day 1 in the pond there is 1 lily pad in the pond.
Every day the number of lily pads in the pond doubles.
On Day 30 the pond is completely full of lily pads.
When is the pond half full?

When it comes to conflict, workplaces, groups and organizations react much like ponds and lily pads. In the early stages it seems that everything is going well and things are fine. The impact of conflicts rarely shows up as a linear progression - it more closely approximates an exponential Time Delay curve. The impact of this is that in the early stages it is difficult to see what is happening as the changes will be subtle and imperceptible. By the time things deteriorate to where the problems become visible, the organization is often on the brink of crisis and the working environment has become toxic. High turnover rates, complaints, grievances, disgruntled employees and reduced productivity are typical. At this point remediation of the situation is often difficult, costly (in both human and $$ terms) and time consuming. It can be tough to get employees engaged in making changes as fear of repercussions, cynicism and skepticism are normal.

In answer to the question above -Because the number of lily pads in the pond doubles every day, the pond is half full on Day 29… Recognition and acknowledgment of the severity problems often happens between Day 25 and Day 29 as it gets harder to deny and avoid the problems at this stage. However, by this point the organization is in serious crisis. So it is important to know where your organization is at on the curve.The earlier the problems are recognized the easier (and cheaper) it is to deal with them.

Timing is as important as strategy in addressing conflict situations. It is critical to choose the strategy that will best fit the situation at this point in time. A good strategy used at the wrong time can actually make the situation worse.

So ultimately, the ideal is to employ strategies that will help an organization get to and maintain a position on the Time Curve somewhere between Days 1-15 over the long term. But it is not enough to just get to that stage; the critical factor here is the willingness to recognize that conflict is not bad and should not be ignored – after all nothing ever changes without conflict in some form and the willingness to invest in resolutions that have the capacity to address things thoroughly. Ultimately an organization that is willing to invest in achieving this goal and is able to maintain that position will be in good shape to weather the storms of conflict when they hit and will have the flexibility and robustness to survive in the world of business

The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Think of an organization or group to which you belong and objectively assess the situation (or at least as objectively as you can) by asking yourself:

1. Where ‘Day’ are we on the Time Delay Curve?
2. If I asked others in the organization what ‘Day’ they see us at – what would they say?
3. What factors are contributing to the discrepancy (if there is one) between where I believe we are at and where they believe we are at?
4. What strategies have we used to address the situation so far?
5. How did it work?
6. Do we need help?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organizational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com

Organizational Conflict Knows No Boundaries - CMI's Ruth Sirman at OD World Summit in Budapest, Hungary

2010-08-16T00:09:00.001-04:00

CanMediate International president Ruth Sirman will be presenting at the Organization Development World Summit (ODWS), a forum that brings together OD practitioners from around the world, August 22-26, 2010 in Budapest, Hungary.

Sirman will be conducting a workshop for participants on Surviving Resolution Resistant Super-Conflicts in Organizations, August 24, 2010 at the ODWS. “The goal of this session is to provide a forum where participants at the conference can discuss the realities of tough conflicts that exist in organizations from their experience and where we can share our knowledge and experience in working within this field,” Sirman explains.

As organizations develop and grow, conflict is an inevitable factor that has the potential to be a positive inspiration for dialogue and constructive change or the negative force that tears the organization apart. Most organizations find themselves somewhere in between these two extremes. Whether the organization relies on paid employees, volunteer labour or members to get the job done and make it successful, internal conflict can create major negative impacts on people’s lives irrespective of where it occurs.

The atmosphere and culture within an organization is a powerful force that contributes to the experience of all who encounter it. It also impacts on recruitment, retention, productivity, morale, burnout and stress levels. Consequently, there is both a financial cost to conflict as well as the toll it takes on the people involved. How an organization deals with conflict is part of that culture and an integral part of individuals and groups experience of the organization.

Learning to recognize the warning signs, understand what is going on behind the scenes and having strategies available to help resolve the conflicts effectively can make the difference between a successful and powerful organization and one whose focus is on the internal drama within the organization rather than meeting the mandate and getting the job done. Organizational Development practitioners are uniquely positioned to support organizations to find the right expertise and take the necessary steps to get their conflicts resolved effectively and get everyone back to work.

The Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Give some thought to the reality of the organizations you belong to:
1. How much time is diverted from getting the job done to dealing with conflicts?
2. What triggers these conflicts and causes them to escalate?
3. To what degree have they been addressed?
4. What level of residual tension is still there?
5. How is the situation impacting on you? on clients? on the bottom line?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organizational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Is it Bullying? Is it Harassment? Or Is It Effective Management Designed To Get A Difficult Job Done?

2010-07-29T01:54:00.003-04:00

Typically the response to these questions will be totally dependent on who you ask, their perspective and personal experience of the situation. Certainly in the situation that is currently on the CBC news about the RCMP leadership conflicts there are very different stories circulating about what is going on and who’s responsible for creating the problem(s).

So has Mr. Elliott created or contributed to a negative and toxic atmosphere in the RCMP?
That is not a simple question that can be answered Yes or No – there are too many other factors that come into play that must not be ignored if the objective is to create sustainable and long-term improvements in how the organization functions.

Or is he getting the job he was hired to do done?
- And in the process rattling a few chains by stirring up hornets nest in the Old Boy’s Club that is the establishment status quo? Again, not a question with a simple answer. Jumping to either conclusion too quickly and without serious research and analysis to determine objectively what is happening risks reaching erroneous conclusions based on assumptions and not facts. The potential to escalate the situation and make it even worse than it is now cannot be overstated.

As mediators who specialize in conducting Workplace Assessments and group interventions in large complex conflicts in dysfunctional situations, we recognize the challenges in trying to sort out what is rhetoric, what is rumour and what is the actual reality of what happens on a day to day operational basis.

Any credible and effective Workplace Assessment and Renewal Process needs to explore the infrastructure of the organization (policies, procedures, decision making structures and accountability, design and structure etc), its organizational culture and the individual and group dynamics that characterize the day to day operational reality. The patterns that show up are good indicators of areas that need further analysis and research. In other words – see a pattern? Dig there…

While the patterns related to the infrastructure of the organization are important, an even greater emphasis needs to be places on the human patterns that exist. How do people get along? What types of interactions does the organization reward? What is the leadership style? How do people describe the situation and their role in it? Are they able to see their role in the situation or do they see themselves as the misused and abused victim? Are there personal or hidden agendas that are influencing what people are saying or doing – and that may not be readily obvious?

Part of the challenge is that each of us has a vision of ourselves and who we are. We may see ourselves as competent, intelligent, honest, a capable communicator, someone who gets tough jobs done, a person with integrity or whatever our vision of ourselves may be. The problem is that others don’t necessarily share the same view. Others may see us in a very different light. For example:
- I see myself as helpful and supportive. You see me as pushy and in your face.
- I see myself as quiet and reserved. You see me as cold and withdrawn.
- I see myself as efficient and effective. You see me as uncaring and abusive.
- I see myself as friendly and outgoing. You see me as rude and obnoxious.

If I go through life believing that the rest of the world shares my vision of myself there will likely be problems. And as I make choices about how to deal with situations, I need to be aware of the how those choices may be seen by others.

Typically leaders are ‘take charge’ people. That’s how they end up in leadership positions. They tend to be dominant personalities who are solution focused and in many cases seem almost ‘driven’ to get the job done. In challenging situations, crises or tight time lines the situation is often intensified by the pressure to achieve despite the odds and so our leader will stride in, take control and in many cases bulldoze right over those around them.

When the need to get the job done predominates and takes over, the value in engaging others, building relationships or creating a team environment can get totally lost. Essentially it drops off the radar screen altogether as it is often perceived to be a waste of time and energy when there are more important things to get done – namely fixing the problem.

When asked, those in leadership positions will justify the choices they have made by the end results they were trying to achieve – ‘the end justifies the means’ rationale. And they are often totally oblivious to the collateral damage left in their wake. It is typically a case of ‘the axe forgets and the log remembers”.

This can create huge credibility issues for a leader as people disengage, withdraw their support and transfer their loyalty and allegiance to others they believe to be better suited to a leadership role. Or they may go into protective mode where the primary focus is self-protection, risk avoidance and trying to stay out of the line of fire.

In organizations when these dynamics are at play, the wariness, fear of repercussions, disillusionment and sense of needing to protect oneself can create a culture of passive-aggression leading to covert sabotage and resistance or when it hits the pain point where the situation is no longer tolerable, it may lead to mutiny.

How can anything positive come from a nasty situation such as this?

It is actually easier to deal with things at this level than when people are apathetic and indifferent. When the pain point is reached there is a great deal of motivation to deal with the situation and that motivation can be leveraged to create the necessary changes to improve the situation. Mutiny gets attention at all levels and that attention at the level of senior management or employers generally results in a decision that action is needed to address the situation. Resources are allocated, people are motivated to do something and providing a constructive and credible process for change is offered, the potential for a positive outcome is good.

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organizational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Wrongful Dismissal and Blame-storming – Its Impacts on Organizational Culture

2010-07-21T11:56:00.001-04:00

By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

According to the CBC News today the PSLRB ruled today that Douglas Tipple’s employment with PWGSC was unfairly terminated by the federal government and that he did not deserve the slurs against his reputation, the loss of his position and the campaign to discredit him. While the impact for Mr. Tipple is significant as noted by the adjudicator Mr Quigley, it is also critical to look at the impact on this type of situation has on the organization as a whole.

People in organizations are rarely oblivious to the undercurrents present in their workplace. In other words, they know what’s going on and in the same way that children sense what is happening in families even when parents believe that they have managed to hide the tensions, employees are very adept at reading the energy and atmosphere in their workplaces. And they recognize toxicity, dysfunction and lack of credibility within organizations and their leadership.

Human beings have a very well developed sense of what is right and wrong, and while there may be times when they choose to ignore this, the type of situation that happened at PWGSC is typically one where that sense of fairness will be alive and well.
There is much talk these days about the need to create ‘healthy workplaces’. And certainly research supports the fact that employees are more productive when they are happy and feel safe.

However as human beings we seem to have an amazing capacity to create negative and dysfunctional working environments – and often leaders seem oblivious to the ripple effect and impact their choices have throughout their organizations.

In any organization whenever someone is ‘let go’ in a questionable way or where employees sense a level of cover-up or lack of fairness, it can trigger a chain reaction of feelings such as “if it could happen once (to them), then it could happen again - to me!” and “if this is going on what else is going on?” ultimately leaving employees with a sense that this is not a ‘safe’ place to work – and the guard goes up.

If I as an employee perceive that this is not a safe place to be and in particular not a safe place to make mistakes (or fail), then I will take steps to protect myself. Consequently a culture of wariness and risk aversion typically sets in and pervades the atmosphere of the workplace leading to people literally or at least figuratively looking over their shoulder and making choices that are perceived to be safer and less likely to bring me to the notice of the decision makers.

What does that mean for the organization?
When the organizational culture becomes wary, risk averse and self-protective, the impact on the organizations ability to thrive is huge. The most successful organizations out there who can thrive in continually changing economic and political climates are those which are flexible, robust and dynamic. They have organizational cultures that are built on creativity, accountability (NOT blame) and solid relationships that support the ability to adapt through solid, dynamic, creative responses to the challenges confronting them.

When the culture if perceived to be based on blame-storming (ie finger-pointing and scape-goating) the first things that get lost are openness and creativity. If I feel the need to protect myself, I will choose carefully what ideas I put out to the group, what decisions I make and what level of responsibility I am willing to assume. Protection becomes more important than contribution – and the organization suffers.

The Canadian Federal Public Service is currently struggling with many of these issues. There are a great many hard working, dedicated and top-notch employees in the Public Service who work long hours to provide great service to Canadians. And as Canadians we want our Public Service to be accountable for the way our tax dollars are spent. However the difference between accountability and blame seems to be generally misunderstood.

Blame is me telling you that you made a mistake. Accountability is when I step up and take responsibility for my actions and acknowledge that I made a mistake. There is a huge difference between the two. Both typically have consequences – in blame they are generally punitive in nature. In accountability they are more typically fair and reasonable.

However accountability will not happen without a perceived level of safety and fairness – and that must include any consequences that happen as a result of someone being accountable. As young children we learned that if we are ‘to blame’ for something the punishment that follows is likely going to hurt in some way. So typically we stopped owning up to what we did… and learned to lie, deflect, deny, and avoid whenever possible.

We have now created this same type of environment within much of our Public Service.
The reactionary, rules-based culture of blame-storming, deflection and denial that has been created as a response to the sponsorship Scandal and other similar nasty situations makes it almost impossible to get any work done. As former CDS Rick Hillier said in his book “A Soldier First” when he was describing the challenges in trying to fight a war under PWGSC procurement rules: “The process has become the product” – which to me means that there is a culture in PWGSC that is more concerned about what things look like than it is concerned about getting the job done.

And we will continue to see denial, deflection and finger-pointing so long as we tolerate a toxic and dysfunctional organizational culture within our Public Service that rewards this type of behaviour rather than one in which openness, transparency and fairness are the norm.

Can it be changed? Absolutely - but as Albert Einstein said "You can't solve a problem with the same mindset that created it". There would need to be a willingness on the part of leadership in the government and the public services to find a better way.

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Can the Lockout and the Labour Conflicts at Port of Montreal be Resolved? - A Mediator's Perspective

2010-07-19T23:34:00.010-04:00

By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

Longshoremen stopped working overtime as of July 9 and now they have been locked out from their Port of Montreal workplace by the Maritime Employers Association. As a mediator who specializes in complex and difficult group conflicts, the escalation of a labour dispute to where both sides start taking drastic action as a way of making their point is an indicator of a conflict with the potential escalate out of control.

Typically both sides believe that they are in the right and that they are perfectly justified in taking the action they've chosen... But the mindset that looks to figure out who's right and who's wrong is working to create a black and white reality in what is normally a very grey world. One of the things we as mediators have come to realize is that history, baggage and perception factor into the current reality in a big way. There will be multiple factors that are contributing to what is happening in the present - and if we ignore these factors it is unlikely that we will manage to resolve the situation.

Why do things escalate?
When there is a conflict, there are as many perspectives as there are people and groups involved. Each has a perspective on what is happening which is created by their historical experience of the situation, their relationship (or lack of it) with the others involved as well as the solutions that they feel would solve the problem. And the perspectives are often diametrically opposed to each other. As human beings conflict creates challenges for us. We find it difficult to see past our own perspective to be able to understand the perspectives of others involved. We typically see ourselves as the good guys and the others involved as the cause of the problem and the bad guys. While this is hardly startling information, there are dynamics linked to this reality that contributes greatly to the collective inability of those involved in escalating conflicts to be able to resolve them constructively. Rather each side perceives that the others involved are not listening, don’t understand the ‘real’ problems and are basically in the wrong.

It is difficult to help groups move beyond this mindset as traditional confrontational power based negotiation strategy believes that any acknowledgment that the other group might have any valid points would imply that my perspective is wrong and would involve losing face. As human beings we simply do not want to be seen as wrong so we hold tightly to our position – to the exclusion of any other perspectives.

In reality no group in a conflict has a monopoly on ‘rightness’. There are so many different factors that contribute to the evolution of the complex type of situation currently underway in Montreal.
• Do longshoremen have a right to the job security and payments mandated by the 2005 Collective Agreement?
• Do the employers have a need to manage expenses to keep their business profitable?
• What about the owners of the goods that are being held hostage as a result of the work to rule and the lockout?
• Are there better ways to resolve this type of situation?

Essentially lockouts and work to rules do not resolve conflicts – they are heavy handed strategies employed usually as desperation measures to pressure the others involved into giving in and acceding to demands. Can these situations be resolved more constructively – absolutely if the parties involved have the courage to sit down and negotiate seriously with a joint objective to find constructive and creative solutions to the issues involved.

What does it take to make this happen?
• A recognition that confrontation and power ploys escalate conflict and they are the easy way out
• Strong and credible leadership on both sides who are willing to recognize that everyone has some valid points and nobody has a monopoly on being right
• A willingness on the part of ALL sides to slog through the tough conversations and the challenges to learn about the needs of the other groups – if we don’t understand we can’t help to meet those needs
• A serious commitment to finding ways to resolve this – including sticking with it when the going gets tough.
• Help and support from someone who has credibility with both sides plus the skills, knowledge, experience and tenacity to work with those involved to find sustainable, practical and useful long term solutions.

Pressure tactics, power ploys and escalation strategies are grandstanding ploys that are often employed in an effort to force the other side to cave in first. It's also the easy way out!

In power based confrontational approaches to dealing with conflict the mindset is “I win best by making you lose”. This sets up the classic 'win-lose' dynamic we are all familiar with - and which many would argue is just the way things are. However it is not the way they have to be.

When there is a solid commitment to resolving a conflict in a way that creates sustainable long term solutions that meet the needs of everyone involved, there is great potential to actually deal with the problems and resolve them. This is not naivete or a Utopian 'pie in the sky' impossibility. Nor is it easy. This is the tough, determined refusal to give up and the recognition that the stakes are too high to take the easy way out where nobody wins. But this only works with a shift in mindset to one that recognizes that “I win best when you win too”. This allows both sides to meet their real fundamental, underlying needs, resolve the issues, bring closure to the situation and work together to create a successful organization – a winning situation for everyone. It's also realistic to recognize that in cases of serious conflict this type of conversation is unlikely to happen without help.

Will this happen in this case?
Given the level of courage, tenacity and strength this requires on the part of the leaders of all the groups involved, that remains to be seen.

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Bullying - A School or Workplace Problem?

2010-07-15T19:12:00.003-04:00

In my experience as a mediator, the main difference between school yard bullying and workplace bullying is the height and age of the players. Other than that they are scarily similar and very familiar to many of us who have witnessed or lived one or both scenarios.

In a kid’s world:
It’s early September and you are starting a new grade in a new school. You are looking forward to making new friends, having fun, playing sports and maybe even learning something. You head off on the first day with your new clothes, new pencil case, new notebooks and a backpack full of dreams of how wonderful it will be. But somehow, it doesn’t work out that way. You find yourself standing alone on the playground with other kids taunting you about your appearance, your hair colour or the fact that you aren’t good at soccer. It gets worse until you are afraid to open your mouth in class because every time you do, you have to listen to nasty comments, laughter and teasing. The teacher doesn’t seem to notice… and you feel very alone.

In the adult world:
You made it through the interview process and you’ve just landed your dream job. You show up on the first day with a new outfit, a route map to get you there on time, some money in your pocket for lunch and great expectations that you will be able to make a solid contribution to the organization, the clients and your career. You smile at everyone, talk to people, offer suggestions and generally try to make yourself useful and build relationships. But somehow it just doesn’t seem to be working. You find yourself eating alone in the lunch room, when you say hello to people the greetings are not returned and your ideas and suggestions are ignored or put down. After a while you hesitate to open your mouth or offer any input to the group as it seems to just result in more negativity. The manager doesn’t seem to notice and you hesitate to bring it up as you’re not sure how they will react and the last thing you want to do is make things worse….and you feel very alone.

Two different scenarios that share a lot of similarities. Typically they both result in exclusion, isolation, hurt and a sense of hopelessness on the part of those living the experience. We have seen situations in both the child and the adult world where the long term implications can lead to drastic results. Sometimes the negativity goes internal and the mental anguish created results in depression, physical ailments or suicide. Other times the negativity caused by that internal mental anguish leads to an external loss of control and workplace violence against others such as the shootings at Columbine High School or OC Transpo. In either case the costs are enormous and need to be addressed long before it reaches that level of impact.

What are the costs of bullying? They are huge and varied. As an example there may be:
- Enormous levels of hurt and loss of self esteem
- Loss of the sense of personal safety which ranks as a primary concern on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
- Increased turnover rates as people choose to leave and hope to find another job where they feel safe.
- Loss of productivity as bullying creates a huge level of distraction for those involved that takes precedence over getting the job done.
- Increased costs to health care, mental health services, EAP programs and other resources
- Distraction from our ability to function effectively – as a parent, as a partner, as a community member, as a citizen.

How can we bully-proof our workplaces? There are many factors that contribute to workplace bullying and in our experience every situation is different, however there are some common actions that can reduce the likelihood of bullying being an issue:
- Setting standards of behaviour and ensuring they are followed
- Creating healthy organizational cultures where this type of behaviour is not condoned
- Leadership actively modeling positive working relationships and respect.
- Managers and leaders actively monitoring the workplace and being aware of situations where bullying may be happening particularly with new employees.
- Recognizing the warning signs of a ‘Culture of Condoning’ that may be silently supporting and rewarding inappropriate actions or behaviour
o Inappropriate jokes particularly at the expense of particular groups or individuals
o Apologies that seem insincere or that are offered repeatedly – “Sorry - I probably shouldn’t tell this joke” or “Oops – I need to watch out for the Harassment Police!” or similar off the cuff remarks
o People who seem overly nervous, quiet or reluctant to render an opinion or take a stand
o Comments such as “Oh that’s just the way ___ is – s/he doesn’t mean anything by it” or “You don’t want to bring that up – the last thing you want to do is get ___ gunning for you…”
- Taking constructive action to support the victims and hold the perpetrators to account.
- Recognizing the type of behaviour and actions that are rewarded in our workplaces – do they support healthy workplaces or are we inadvertently rewarding behaviour that is creating problems.
- Exercising solid leadership that includes professionalism and acceptance of differences.
- Creating an inclusive and positive working environment where issues are raised, discussed constructively and problems addressed.
- Having appropriate policies and recourse mechanisms in place that will ensure that people have effective ways to address problems when they do arise.
- Listening when someone says they need to talk and creating an environment where people feel it’s safe to talk without fear of repercussions.

This becomes even more challenging if the bully is also the boss or in some other senior position as they may present one face to their peers and superiors and a totally different face to their subordinates.

The key to prevention and addressing the situation is a recognition that this can and does happen – even in the best of situations. And when it does show signs of happening, it will not get better by ignoring, denying or minimizing it. It’s up to us to determine what our children learn about how to interact with others… otherwise the school yard bullies of today will be the workplace bullies of tomorrow.

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Does Accountability Help Victims of Tragedy? AC Flight 621-The Impact and Reactions 40 Years Later

2010-07-06T17:24:00.005-04:00

By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

As human beings, difficult and traumatic events have a way of lingering in our lives – whether it’s an accident, a conflict, a fight or a trauma. I watched the CBC documentary on the Memorial Service for the victims of the crash of AC Flight 621 in Brampton ON where 109 people died held on July 4, 2010. After 40 years this is still impacting on those affected by the crash back in 1970. This was evident by the number of family and friends who showed up for the memorial service and their apparent reactions to the 40th anniversary of the crash.

What do victims and complainants of conflict or tragedy want in this type of situation?
In my experience as a mediator, as the dust settles and people begin to cope they are looking for a genuine
1. acknowledgement of the hurt and impact of the situation on them;
2. assurance that changes are being made and steps are being taken to avoid this type of situation happening again;
3. sense that people are being honest and accountable;
4. feeling that they are being taken seriously.

These are common needs irrespective of whether the situation is one of conflict, tragedy, workplace harassment or criminal acts.

President John Kennedy understood the connection between accountability and credibility. After the Bay of Pigs, he went on national television and took responsibility for the mistakes that were made – genuinely and completely when he said something to the effect of “I made the mistake of acting on faulty intelligence and I take full responsibility.” His ratings went through the roof. We can contrast that with Richard Nixon’s half-hearted comment after Watergate when he said something like “Well it happened on my watch so I suppose it’s my responsibility”. And then there was the impeachment…

When people feel that there is a genuine effort on the part of those in authority to put these four points in place, frustration and irritation are typically replaced by respect. These actions build immense credibility, yet often there is great reluctance on the part of those in authority to even acknowledge the hurt that has been caused let alone to move to address the situation.

As for the actions taken to meet the needs of the families affected by AC621 there were significant differences in the reactions and level of involvement of some of the other players involved – notably Air Canada and those involved in the upcoming development of the crash site in Brampton.

It appeared that– the landowners, the consultants (Candevcon Consulting Limited) and the City of Brampton have put a lot of thought and energy into creating a plan to acknowledge what happened in this field so many years ago. Consultations with members of the victims’ families and discussions about appropriate ways of honouring and remembering victims created a sense in the documentary that they understood the importance of the situation and people’s need for acknowledgment and closure. It is my understanding that Air Canada was invited to participate and declined.

I wonder what discussions went on at Air Canada re whether or not representatives of the airline would attend the memorial service. Initially it appears the answer was ‘no’ followed by a reversal of position to ‘yes’ – but very last minute. So what’s wrong with that? Well I suppose there might be concerns that people would blame the airline for what happened and ask difficult questions - so isn’t it reasonable that they would be reluctant to participate? Why would they want to risk any unpleasantness? On the other hand what benefits might there be to their participation?

Often people fear any level of acknowledgment of people’s pain as an admission of responsibility or guilt. And so people are reluctant to put themselves in a position where things might get awkward and they might be expected to take responsibility. Our legal systems support being very cautious about what we say and who we talk to after an ‘incident’. And there is often a perception that if we just ignore the situation it will somehow just go away. Typically these can backfire and the opposite happens.

There is a link between acknowledgment and visibility. When I acknowledge your hurt or your pain, you know that I ‘see’ you. And I believe that when people feel there has been no acknowledgment of the impact they have experienced, they feel they are ‘invisible’ in the sense of feeling ignored, unnoticed and overlooked which may be interpreted as a sign of contempt and lack of caring. This often results in the victims feeling left out or lost. When these feelings take hold it leads to greater upset - even anger and often a commitment to work to make things right and to bring people to account. So in the long run the attempts to protect oneself or an organization can fail and create even bigger problems that just won’t go away – until that closure is achieved one way or another.

Where do we see this play out?
Whenever people have been hurt and others are going – “It’s not my/our fault”. Look at the credibility issues suffered by many political leaders… corporations… government programs such as Workmens' Safety and Insurance Board or Employment Insurance… employers… insurance companies… respondent in workplace harassment situations…family members… essentially anyone who is perceived to have caused a problem for someone else.

How can this be avoided?
1. Recognize the link between genuine acknowledgment and credibility.
2. Be willing (and take the risk) to talk to people and hear what they have to say.
3. Realize that you can’t fake ‘genuine’. People see through fake attempts at communication virtually instantly and they will not buy it and your credibility will suffer.
4. If necessary, decide in advance what you are comfortable sharing and how you will share it. Keep in mind that accurate, timely and appropriate levels of information will minimize the risks of speculation and rumours taking over.
5. If you have made a mistake or contributed to the situation, take responsibility and indicate what you are doing to fix things – your credibility will increase.

As my grandmother used to say “If you’re going to get run out of town anyhow, you might as well go to the head of the line and make it look like a parade.” She was talking about accountability and responsibility.

Which approach has the greater potential for resolving the problem?

The Conflict Resolution Workout!
Think of times when you may have been reluctant to address a situation constructively.
1. How was the situation addressed? How well did it work? (from your perspective... from the perspective of others...?)
2. Have people truly achieved closure and moved on?
3. What could you have done differently?
4. What could you do now to improve the situation?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Global Crises Require Creative Global Leadership... Who Do We Call?...The G8? G20? G40? Or the G10billion??

2010-06-28T23:23:00.003-04:00

We human beings are pretty smart folks! We've sent people (and monkeys) to the moon, built a space station, invented ways to take pictures on Mars, built huge dams that change the course of major waterways, created technology that lets us communicate instantaneously virtually anywhere in the world and lots more... Yep - there's no doubt about it we've got the smarts to do just about anything...

So if we're so smart, then why are we in such a mess? Globally our environment is deteriorating around our ears, wars are being waged in more places than we can count, children die of starvation by the thousands and our ground water is too polluted to drink in much of the world and rapidly becoming polluted in much of the rest of the world. Much of this is not as easily visible in North America as it is in other parts of the globe or at least not so ‘in your face’ so we can still ignore the mess we are in on a day to day basis. We're pretty insulated over here from the harsh realities facing our brothers and sisters around the world.

What about our leaders?

Many of the world leaders gathered in Toronto and Huntsville ON Canada this past weekend to put their collective heads together and ostensibly find solutions to these (and other) problems. So far as I have heard there were no earth shattering creative answers found during the talks. So despite the close to $1 billion dollars spent, we are still facing these global issues. And they will continue to haunt us until we start to work collectively, one step at a time to change how we think of our world.

Part of the problem as I see it is that collectively as a human species we have several types of response.
1. Many are so overwhelmed by the magnitude and complexity of the problem(s) that they just don’t know where to start to fix it. And for many there is a justifiable fear that if we get it wrong we will make it worse so ultimately we end up doing very little of consequence and justifying by rationalizations such as “Well, I’m only one person, what could I possibly do to help”.
2. A growing number of people who are seriously concerned about the choices being made at the political level and who seek to voice their collective concern through peaceful protests, education and awareness campaigns and activism. This group was out in large numbers in Toronto this past weekend, however for those of us who were only able to view what was going on through the media, there was very little coverage of the efforts of these groups to make their concerns heard by the decision makers.
3. There are those who will grab any chance to create havoc and chaos either constructively or destructively. We saw this in Toronto this weekend as a band of black clad masked ‘protesters’ left any pretense of constructive protesting behind in favour of vandalism, damage and destruction. Is this a legitimate form of protest? – not to this writer…
4. There are an increasing number of individuals and organizations who recognize the need to take action to decrease the overall human ‘footprint’ on the planet and who are beginning to make strides in changing the operational paradigms that drive choices and priorities. Check out Peter Senge’s book “The Necessary Revolution” for examples and analysis.
5. There is the political leadership at a global level which is beginning to see the necessity of making changes but who still seemed to be suffering from a series of afflictions that make it difficult to make any significant progress in creating significant constructive sustainable change at the global level.
a. ‘Analysis Paralysis’ – the perceived need to study everything to death. While there is a solid need for understanding the situation, analysis and studies can also be a way of procrastinating making choices and changes…
b. ‘It’s their problem… not ours… so they need to fix it.. not us’… - the tried and true strategy of deflection and digressing from the main issues by pointing the finger at others in an effort to avoid having the finger pointed at me. While there may be some individuals, countries, regions or ideologies that bear a greater responsibility than others, ultimately it’s like having a hole in the boat in which we are all riding.. If the boat sinks it doesn’t much matter which end of the boat had the hole because everyone’s going to be swimming irrespective of whose fault it was.
c. ‘Solid solutions to the long term global crisis are not congruent with my personal or national political agenda’ – While this is something that no political leader would ever articulate I’m sure, it would appear that the global crisis has not yet reached the Pain Point threshold that puts it as a more pressing concern than personal or national agendas. Consequently the global good is still being subjugated to those personal and national priorities – and will continue to be until such time as the crisis becomes a greater threat to individuals and nations than their own wants and needs.

Lets face it, the western world is the greatest user of global resources on a per capita basis and consequently this is also the group with the resources to make a difference. However collectively we tend to avoid the problem. It's just easier that way. After all, if I were to admit my role in creating it, then I would be accountable to do something about it. And many people are now starting to recognize the magnitude of the problems we have created - and the implications those problems can have. Typically when something goes wrong our first instinct as human beings is to look around to see whose fault it is. After all - someone must be to blame! And there can be great relief in figuring out who is responsible... providing it's not us! Because whoever is at fault needs to fix things and make them right again. So we spend countless hours searching for someone we can pin the problem on.

The problem is that blame is a waste of time and energy! Blame always looks backwards and it can drain enormous amounts of energy that could be better employed solving the crises. It is always an education to listen to the various political leaders who have the "blame-storming" game down to a science. Just once I would like to hear someone stand up and quietly say "My government has failed to take the required action to prevent this situation from becoming a crisis - and as of today our priorities have changed. As of today, our focus will not be on getting re-elected, but rather on looking beyond our own agendas to analyze the crises we face and see how we can collaborate with other leaders to solve the problems". What a refreshing change that would be!

So what prevents this from happening? Well, when I am wrapped up in my own problems, it is hard for me to appreciate yours. So if our leaders are focused primarily on getting elected and then re-elected, how can we expect them to work constructively on major problems that may require hugely unpopular changes to resolve them? And if their terms are only 2-5 years long - will they have the incentive to take action with long term vision (beyond their own terms)? It is unlikely.

So how do we solve this dilemma? There are no quick fixes to this one but there is one irrefutable fact. When human beings face a major crisis and perceive their lives to be under threat we tend to set our own agendas aside and work together to deal with the greater problem. This happens all the time in terms of natural disasters - fires, floods, ice/snow/rain storms, earthquakes, tsunamis etc... What will it take to help us begin to work together in advance of the crisis?

I don't know - but I hope we can apply the massive collective intelligence we have to find a solution. After all the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again and expect different results! I hope we're smarter than that!

My grandmother used to say that 'Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal..." - wise words that have the potential to help us change our world. If we are focused on making the changes we are able to make, then we are at least moving in the right direction. Baby steps are better than no steps!

Conflict Resolution Workout!!

Take a few minutes and think about:
1. What situations are happening in our world that you don't know enough about?
2. How can you get accurate information about what is happening?
3. Who else has a stake in this problem?
4. What action could you take to invite these individuals or groups to start working together the problem(s)?
5. What obstacles might get in your way, in terms of getting things moving?
6. What steps can you take to overcome these challenges?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Disgruntled and Chronic Complainers and Their Long List of Complaints

2010-06-28T15:31:00.002-04:00

Have you ever met a chronic complainer?

Most of us have met someone who seems to get a perverse pleasure from constantly and continually complaining. While sometimes it seems that the complainers in our lives will complain about anything they are typically set off by a specific set of triggers and the complaints are focused on particular topics.

One characteristic of complaints is the sweeping generalizations and absolutes that sound like “It’s all wrong”, “Nobody ever listens to me / us” or “They never give us what we need to do the job” or “The whole project is a complete washout” or “Nobody cares”. Unfortunately specific information that could be useful and relevant is conspicuous by its absence.

So why do people complain?

It’s a habit. For some, their standard form of communication has evolved into the adult equivalent of a whining child. Often the habitual complainer is unaware of what they sound like to others. They may have a negative outlook on life with expectations that can border on ‘unrealistic’. This can lead to an overall sense of

It’s worked for them in the past. Human beings are very prone to re-using strategies that have worked for them in other situations. After all, if it works why change it?

They want to be heard. Often chronic complainers are very detail focused individuals and they may actually have valuable information to share. However their choice of strategies typically minimizes the potential that their information will be heard as others tend to tune them out which prompts them to complain even more, setting up a vicious cycle.

They feel they have been subjected to some form of injustice. In some cases there may have been an injustice or series of injustices that have happened to them. In these circumstances most of us will complain and it can be therapeutic and cathartic. However chronic complainers get stuck and have trouble moving on. They may carry the past injustices around as baggage made up of their grudge list until it colours their worldview and becomes a habitual way of perceiving the world.

They feel that their world is beyond their control and in many cases are unsure of how to fix it. The sense of helplessness that this creates leaves the chronic complainer with a sense of futility that fuels the long tale(s) of woe.

So what can you do when you have to deal with a chronic complainer?

1. Avoid agreeing or disagreeing – just listen
2. Avoid trying to solve their problem for them – help them come up with possible solutions. If you solve the problem and it doesn’t work then there is just more to complain about.
3. Assess what you are hearing to determine if the information buried in the complaining may be relevant, valid and useful.
4. Ask questions that demonstrate you’re listening. Stay objective and impartial - Let them run down.
5. Help them get specific- even if you have to interrupt. Ask questions of clarification designed to get specifics rather than the sweeping generalizations. Once you have some specifics (and it may be a challenge) ask them how they would solve that specific problem (shift to a problem solving mode)
6. If their complaint(s) have substance, keep them in the loop re the progress in resolving the issues.
7. If necessary you may need to set some parameters in place to manage the amount of complaining to which you are subjected. Things like “If you have issues that need to be addressed, then bring me specifics and possible solutions.” Or “I’m happy to listen if what you want to talk about is how you plan to address the problem(s) but if this is just about complaining, then I would rather not be part of it.”

Chronic complaining has the potential to create a negative energy in a relationship, a family or a workplace. The person doing the complaining may have valid points to make however their style of communicating tends to cause others to shut down, thereby minimizing the successful impact of their message. There are ways to manage this if you are willing to invest the time and energy in supporting them to change the pattern.

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Can Cars and Cyclists Share the Roads?

2010-05-29T15:30:00.005-04:00

The road is a line – a strip of asphalt, that runs between 2 points. It gets people from point A to point B and it has become a serious source of concern for many who use it, particularly for those who drive cars and those who ride bicycles.

I listened to Goldhawk Live on Rogers Cable last night (http://www.rogerstv.com/option.asp?rid=16&lid=12&sid=266 ) where representatives of different groups and different points of view spent the better part of an hour discussing the challenges faced by all of us in terms of ensuring that all are able to get where they need to go in safety.

I lived beside a 80kmph highway for more than 20 years and as a cyclist going for a bike ride, particularly with my kids, it was often an unnerving experience. It's hard to ride on rough gravel shoulders. Big trucks and cars spew up dust, gravel and noise not to mention the wind they create has a tendency to throw you sideways and off-balance. That 6-10” strip of asphalt on the shoulder side of the yellow line does not provide much space for a bike and there is certainly no protection for anyone who is foolhardy enough to try to ride there. So the gravel was a safer albeit rougher option – and you learned to ride defensively or pay the price.

I have been cycling seriously since 1967 on the highways of rural eastern Ontario and through the city streets of Ottawa. I have my fair share of horror stories about close calls caused by my own poor choices, indifferent pedestrians, oblivious drivers, huge potholes, mechanical failures and more.

The current debate seems to stem from different perspectives about who is entitled to use the road, and who gets priority – and who should give way for whom. In many ways the current debates are very representative of our way of approaching the use of other common resources such as the environment, food, water and more.

The mindset that believes that MY needs, wants and priorities are most important and that those of others need to take a back seat to mine is an arrogant and problematic way of looking at the world. When I see drivers cut cyclists off, or I see cyclists going the wrong way up one way streets or running red lights I see this arrogant and indifferent mindset that contributes to the ongoing conflict over this issue.

In places like Holland where cycling is a mainstream mode of transportation, cyclists have access to cycle-only routes where cars are forbidden. There is a different level of resources available to cyclists than that found in North America. Of course the whole country is about the same size as one of our smaller provinces. Is this a viable option in a country the size of Canada? It would be a costly and difficult proposition and not necessarily the only possible solution. We need to find ways that work for us as Canadians - given our geography, weather patterns and culture. Finding that solution may take some time but as gas prices continue to rise and environmental consciousness increases, cycling is becoming an increasingly viable option for many.

What can an individual do?

As driver’s we have an obligation to be aware of the vulnerability of other users of the roads – cyclists and pedestrians as well as other motorized vehicles. Specifically:
- Take a quick look in the outside rear view mirror before opening the door when you’re parked (getting ‘doored’ hurts!).
- Give cyclists space both on city streets and on the highways
– the suction created by vehicles can throw a cyclist off balance (especially when it comes from a truck)
- Realize that a bike can’t hit big potholes and stay upright – so swerving is more than likely – it’s a given… and it may happen quickly so give them room
- Anticipate that cyclists will be turning at intersections and avoid crowding them
- Realize that the more cyclists we have on the road, the fewer cars there are and the less congestion there will be for you, the motorists!

As cyclists we need to understand that we have an obligation to share the road as well – and to cycle defensively. The most effective way I know to do that is to be as predictable and courteous as possible:
- stop for stop signs and red lights,
- cycle the same way you would drive – go the right way on one way roads, watch and only pass when it's safe especially in heavy traffic situations
- recall the rules of physics (Force = mass x acceleration). If a car hits a cyclist, the cyclist loses! A car cresting a hill at 80-100km/hour and finding 20 cyclists riding in a bunch and taking up the lane may not physically be able to stop before hitting people. Refusing to move into a single line and let cars go by is one sign of the 'sense of entitlement' that creates conflict. Who's right? Should cyclists be expected to move over? I'm not sure if it matters if it means that the cyclist is 'dead right'!
- realize that sidewalks are meant for pedestrians and sidewalk cycling is for pre-schoolers and very young children (under the age of 9 or10…) - if you qualify, feel free to use the sidewalk otherwise your bike belongs on the road!
- Cycle as if your 6 year old is watching you – all the time!
It may be someone else’s child watching… and copying… Much as it would be easier if this was not the case, as adult riders we are constantly modeling cycling behaviour that will be emulated by others – including our own kids… are we teaching them ways that will help them make good choices? Or is what we are showing them going to put them at risk?

What else will it take to resolve this? There is more than individuals involved in this – cycling groups, safety groups, governments, police and more…

On a group and society level we need:
1. A willingness to listen to the concerns of the other groups – and listen to understand rather than just to gather ammunition for rebuttal and attack.
2. A commitment on the part of governments and other interest groups to take steps to minimize the risks and maximize the support for safe practices – on the part of all
3. Increased education and awareness for all involved – teaching road safety and respect for others
4. Ways to engage those who don’t believe the rules should apply to them to see the value in improving their safety practices – if only for the sake of the kids who watch, see and copy.
5. A decrease in that sense of personal and group entitlement and an increase in the willingness to value others and their needs – a change in mindset that results in an internal level of engagement that prompts people to look out for others because they believe it’s the right thing to do rather than because someone is enforcing it (external motivation)

Conflict Resolution Workout:

1. How frequently do you find yourself making choices that you would have to justify to your children in terms of ‘don’t do this… only adults can do this…’? – This is a chance to be brutally honest with yourself!
2. What stories do you tell yourself about the 'others' on the road (either cyclists or drivers)? What level of self-justification and rationalization is at play in those stories? (honestly...)
3. What one action could you take that would make others safer today?
4. What concrete action will you commit to on a regular basis to build the habit of safety for you and others into your life?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Bill 168 - Another Tool to Stop Workplace Bullying, Harassment and Violence

2010-05-14T22:16:00.000-04:00

Bill 168 is coming into force on June 15, 2010 in Ontario. What difference will it make? How will it affect you if you are an employer in Ontario, Canada? What impact will it have if you are an employee?

Bill 168 is following a trend for workplaces in Canada. There is increasing recognition that conflict, harassment and workplace violence are bad for business. Unhappy, stressed, tense and fearful employees are not as productive as they could be as they are busy trying to cope with whatever is causing them problems.

As a mediator who has worked in the field of harassment, discrimination and conflict management since 1996 I have watched an interesting transition in priorities in Canadian workplaces. Employers are much more aware these days of the underlying costs of conflict, harassment and workplace violence in their workplaces. The dollar costs of conducting investigations into formal complaints can be staggering. In my experience employers can expect to pay anywhere from $50,000.00 to $300,000.00 and up to deal with harassment and workplace violence situations. These figures are prohibitive for any employer but particularly so for small businesses.

The 1980 Supreme Court of Canada ruling on the Bonnie Robichaud case in 1980 determined that employers in Canada had a legal liability to provide a workplace free of harassment for their employees irrespective of whether they were aware of the situation or not. The shock wave this caused in the employment world triggered the development of conflict management and harassment policies in many organizations to bring them into compliance with the new era. This recognition of the cost of harassment was focused primarily on sexual harassment. The field has evolved greatly since 1980 to where policies in 2010 typically cover a range of actions and behaviour that are considered inappropriate. Sexual and personal harassment as well as abuse of authority provisions provide employees with a much broader level of protection than what was offered in the 80’s.

Bill 168 offers protections to the employees of Ontario that have not been written into legislation in the past. This puts a responsibility on employers and managers to educate themselves not only on the provisions of the legislation but also on how to work within it on a day to day operational basis. How can you ensure that your workplace is compliant not only with the letter of the law but also with the spirit of the law? The letter of the law is clearly spelled out on the Ministry of Labour website (www.mol.on.ca). It is much more of a challenge to create an organizational culture based on safety, respect, tolerance and understanding particularly in our increasingly diverse workplaces.

It is critical that managers, supervisors and employees are offered support by their employers to ensure that they have both the substantive knowledge of the requirements and the skills in conflict management and leadership that will support them to work with the employer to create the healthy workplaces that Bill 168 is trying to create.

Toxic workplaces cost money. In our experience they are less productive, have higher turnover rates, higher frequencies of absenteeism, grievances, complaints and disengaged employees. This is a recipe for putting a business or organization into trouble. It’s like having an abscessed tooth – the discomfort and pain makes it tough to focus on anything else. If the disproportionate amounts of energy, time and focus expended on trying to survive a toxic environment were redirected to getting the job done, the productivity levels would be stunning.

Managers and supervisors have a critical leadership role to play in creating these healthy workplaces. What steps can help?
1. Clear expectations regarding what constitutes acceptable behaviour,
2. Rewarding the desired behaviour and logical and reasonable consequences for transgressors,
3. Effective informal conflict management systems that help to prevent situations from escalating
4. Accountability from the employer and management with respect to learning the real nature of their workplaces (not what they ‘think’ is happening)
5. A willingness to talk about subjects that in the past have been considered less important than concrete task focused conversations – human interactions, organizational culture and workplace atmosphere
6. A solid commitment (with the teeth to back it up) that employees have the right to bring problems to the attention of management without fear of retribution either from peers or from management.

The fear of repercussions is one of the most critical issues that is raised time and time again in the organizations with which we work. When we come into an organization to do a Workplace Assessment as part of a Partnered Workplace Renewal Process™ employees are typically fearful and reluctant to engage and in some cases afraid even to talk to us. Why? Because they have no trust in management or their co-workers that their participation will not lead to some type of formal or informal payback and that what they tell us will somehow be found out by their employer or manager.

Until this is addressed in a credible and concrete fashion, very few will take the risk and those that do are typically those who see themselves on the way out the door anyhow – either due to retirement or because they have dusted off their c.v. and are exercising their right to vote with their feet and move on.

This fear of repercussions can also create a climate of silence. Not every employee who is subjected to harassment or workplace violence files a complaint – many are too afraid to do so. But much like children being bullied at schools the warning signs are there for those perceptive enough to see them. When this is an issue it is often impossible for the situation to be addressed by those inside the organization and outside help is needed. Employees need to have recourse to help they can trust and who is perceived to be at arms length from management and the employer.

Even then it can be difficult to build credibility with employees as the fear factor can be significant. On the other hand there is typically a strong desire to see things change that is warring with the fear of repercussions for getting involved in trying to make things better. The way to build credibility is different in every situation but there are some common steps that can help.
1. Be open and transparent about what you can do – and what you can’t do and live up to what you promise.
2. Don’t make promises you either can’t or won’t keep – broken promises are a fast ticket to cynicism and skepticism.
3. Make a business case to senior management for ensuring and protecting employees’ ability to participate without repercussions either from supervisors or managers or from co-workers.
4. Enlist a credible and very senior person within the organization to act as a recourse person should repercussions happen (or the employee feels that there are repercussions happening).
5. Take complaints seriously and take action to address concerns raised.
6. Ensure that supervisors and managers understand the ‘No repercussions’ policy and adhere to it.
7. Work with the group to discuss the changes that are needed to create a respectful and safe workplace. Engage participation by being open, transparent and accountable – particularly if you are at a senior level within the organization.
8. Create an accountability framework that is focused on constructive mechanisms to address issues rather than a blame focused punitive approach to problems.
9. Model the behaviour you want to see others use. Set expectations for respectful interactions and reward the behaviour you want to see.
10. Ensure that the operational reality and the articulated values of the organization are congruent, aligned and actually being implemented. In order for this to happen staff at all levels need to understand and buy into the organizational values being espoused by the employer and senior management groups.
11. Believe in the value of a healthy and safe working environment rather than complying with the legislation solely because it is the law.

Bill 168 is a piece of legislation that has the potential to help protect workers in Ontario. However it is also likely to be seen by some as an unnecessary burden that is just one more example of legislators trying to run people's lives. In our experience organizations that invest in creating healthy working environments as a core organizational value fundamental to the organizational culture are more productive, more able to adapt to changing economic environments and more successful overall. They make more money for shareholders and owners in the case of businesses. As a result, they tend to create more stable jobs for for their employees and naive as it sounds - everyone wins.

The Conflict Resolution Workout
We invite you to objectively assess the state of your organization or workplace:
1. On a 0-10 scale what rating would you give it if 0 = Toxic and 10 = Healthy?
2. Using that same 0-10 scale, how would you rate relationships between managers and employees? Between employees? Between the union(s) and management? Between other groups within your specific organization?
3. What level of resistance is there to making positive changes to the organizational culture? Where is that resistance coming from? What might be behind it?
4. What is one action that you could take tomorrow that would make your workplace a better place to work?

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Intergenerational Conflicts - Surviving the Inevitable Fights between Parents and Teens

2010-05-10T19:50:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed that parenting goes in spurts? When things are good parenting is a fun and rewarding experience that is unparalleled in terms of the paybacks you receive from your child or teen – the hugs, the gifts of big smiles and gratitude, the assertions that “You’re the best Mom (or dad) or the simple ‘Thanks Mom” or “Thanks, Dad”. Then there are the other times when parenting becomes a major challenge – things are not going well and something needs to be done. Whether it’s a crisis and your child needs help or a discipline problem that needs to be addressed – as a parent you know you have to step in and take action.

The taking action part is often where the challenge lies – what to say, how to say it, what to do and when to stop. How to make the point we need to make, how to get the message across and how to help make the situation better – without alienating the person one is trying to help. This becomes an even greater challenge when that child hits their teen years.

Think back to when you were a teenager (however far back it is for you). I recall incredible frustration with my parents who were desperately struggling to get through to this somewhat rebellious and definitely volatile person who I had become when I hit about 12. Like every other teenager, I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted – but I certainly knew what I didn’t want and having my parents step in and tell me what I could do and couldn’t do certainly fit in the ‘what I don’t want’ category. And so we spent a number of years frustrating each other to the nth degree. I recall a lot of yelling, door slamming and stomping out - mostly on my part. I remember my mother virtually in tears as one of our yelling matches worked its way towards the seemingly inevitable conclusion – me stomping out the door screaming “I’m leaving… It’s not fair… you never loved me.. you don’t care what happens to me…etc. etc. etc.” I am sure many times I sounded like a broken record on an endless loop. I was no angel and I certainly caused more than my fair share of grief for my parents. On one occasion I remember my mother being very angry at me for something I either had (or hadn’t) done and I believed I was in deep trouble. Yet all she said to me was the inevitable Parent’s Curse – “I hope someday you have a kid just like you!!!!” At the time I recall thinking – ‘that’s it? that’s all that’s going to happen? wow –that was easy’. And then I had kids.

I have 4 – now all in varying stages of sorting out their lives and careers as young adults – all fun, creative, interesting and smart. They have their own opinions and we have great conversations about life, the world and their views on it all. But I also remember being in that same position with my kids that my parents were in with me. – that desperate struggle to know what to do and how to do it. There is no ‘immediate feedback’ system that tells you if you’re on the right path. In many cases it takes many years before we can see whether our choices were the right ones or if we missed something. No child arrives with an operations manual or a set of instructions and every kid is different – what worked with one typically had no effect on another. So it was a continuous ongoing learning curve and frequently still is.

But in looking back now that my youngest is well into his 20’s and my oldest is 30 I realized that we have survived. Are there things I wish I had done differently? Absolutely. Did I / we get it right? Not always. Did we do ok? I believe so.

I recall reading somewhere that the best baseball players in the world bat 400. What does that mean? It means they miss 6 times out of 10. It means that as a parent I don’t need to be perfect to do well – but I do need to ensure that my batting average is as good as I can make it. The key strategy that worked for me was to think of my relationship with my kids as a bank account. The good times, the laughter, the fun and the love were the deposits. And the fights, the discipline, the times when I said the wrong thing or had the wrong reaction – they were the withdrawals.

The trick was not to lose sight of the balance – to ensure that the deposits outweighed the withdrawals. And to make sure that the withdrawals did not overwhelm the deposits by frequency or intensity. It meant sometimes putting the negative stuff on hold while we went out for lunch, went shopping, had friends over, played catch or whatever was important to that particular child. It did not mean being a pushover or conversely – a nag. It was somewhat like being in a dance and knowing when to lead and when to follow, when to step in and when to step back - when to rescue and when to let realistic consequences follow their natural course.

Sometimes having the courage NOT to rescue a child is the hardest – but also the best decision we can make for the long term. Will that child be forever scarred by failing a course, losing a friend or even spending a night sitting in a jail cell? Or will they learn a valuable lesson that will save them inevitable volumes of grief over the rest of their life? It’s tempting to be the hero – but it may be wiser to be the coach – offering support and a non-judgmental listening ear than to be the knight in shining armour with the white horse riding in to save the day. Ultimately the greatest challenge we own as parents, from my perspective, is to be able to make that choice wisely.

The Conflict Resolution Workout:
1. What is your bank balance in the relationship with each of your children (no matter what their ages)? Is that balance reasonably equitable for each child or is the balance significantly lower with one or more of your kids than with others?
2. What does the dance you are in with that child look like? If you were a fly on the wall watching the interaction between you and your child, would you want to have you as a parent?
3. What could make things better while still maintaining the goal of being an effective parent?
4. What one thing will you do today to improve the bank balance with each of your children (note – the choice for each child may be different)
5. Please post a comment on our blog and tell us how you’re doing.
6. Check out our website resource section – there is a bibliography listing books that you may find useful (we did) and articles and podcasts that may help.

We encourage you to find ways to enjoy your kids – the old adage that ‘they grow up so fast’ is true and they do move on (and move out…) leaving a sense of nostalgia for the days when they were young and possibly even a wish for the clock to roll back.

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

The Transit Strike In Ottawa ON – A Mediator’s Perspective

2008-12-17T19:38:00.000-05:00

The Transit Strike In Ottawa – A Mediator’s Perspective
By Ruth Sirman, Workplace Conflict Expert, CanMediate International

Ottawa is scrambling to find ways to deal with a transit strike this week that has now created stress and disruption for tens of thousands of people – riders, drivers, company employees, municipal government and those on strike too…plus all those who are impacted by the change in routine this is evoking in the city – employers, business owners, kids, schools, entertainment venues, retail stores / malls and pretty much anyone who has a positive response to the pulse and respiration checks that indicate they are alive and vertical.

As a mediator who specializes in helping groups resolve tough intractable issues I have watched the evolution of this conflict for the past several weeks and it has followed very predictable pattern – little consolation for those who are struggling to deal with the collateral damage from the loss of transit service and those who are actively involved in the conflict. As it progresses and tempers flare it has the potential to get nasty. But how do we as human beings get ourselves into the weeds like this when we have a conflict?

Who’s right? And Who’s to Blame?
Like every other conflict that has erupted between humans throughout history, each group in this one has their story about what is going on, what led to the strike and how it should be resolved - based on their perspective of the situation. And as human beings we are very talented story tellers (even if we have never authored a book!) and inevitably we draft our story with the focus on how others have wronged us.

There is rarely any accountability for the role we might have played in the situation included in our stories – and we rarely paint ourselves as ‘the bad guy’. No, instead when we feel that something is unfair or that we have been mistreated, we have a powerful tendency to paint ourselves as the righteously screwed victim who was only doing the best that we could to deal with the rotten situation that someone else created and which THEY should fix – because after all it is THEIR fault and they are totally unreasonable and wrong.

And the more often we repeat our story, either to ourselves or to others, the more firmly it becomes entrenched as ‘the one and only true story’ – at least in our own minds. And typically as it gets told and retold (even to ourselves) the more it grows and gets embellished as we add more detail and more history to the growing tale. Interestingly enough, everyone in a conflict will be busy drafting and continually refining their story, looking for additional ammunition to justify the position they have taken.

And if we are really honest with ourselves about what we want out of the situation it would be that the other side would listen to our story, understand our hurt, frustration and anger, agree with us, tell us that we’re right and apologize for the horrible wrongs that they have perpetrated upon us…and promise never to do it again…

And what does the other group want? You guessed it – exactly the same thing - which leads us to a total impasse as everyone strives to protect themselves from being the first one to give in, the one to lose face in front of others and the side that is labeled as ‘the loser’. So we dig in and proclaim our story even louder and longer… and so do they.

Think of it as each group standing on a bar stool – hanging on tightly to their position while they shout their story to the world - a classic loggerhead ‘in your face’ conflict that just gets more intense the longer it is permitted to continue. The down side to our incredible bar stool stories we have created is that they leave us with little room to move and maneuver and they can quickly become a trap from which there is no easy way out without risking the devastation of seeing ourselves as having “lost” the fight. This makes it tough to resolve the problem because as long as I am firmly convinced that my story is the one and only RIGHT story – why would I waste my time listening to you? And as long as you are convinced that you own the one and only RIGHT story – why would you waste your time listening to me? And if this goes on long enough, we can actually start to believe our own fiction and buy our own invented reality.

And so who wins? No one. And who loses? Everyone – including those who have no direct connection to the issues at all. There is an old African proverb that says “When 2 elephants fight – it’s the grass that suffers the most!” – which certainly is the case in this situation.

So how do we help people get down off their bar stools?

Well it can be very tempting to invoke a power play that pushes people down or topples the bar stools – injunctions / back to work legislation / threats and coercion have been used many times to force people to give up the fight. But typically what happens here is that the minute they have the chance both sides will scramble back on to the bar stool and hang on tighter than ever.

Or we can wait it out until one group or another loses the will to fight. Have you ever watched Dr. Seus’ video “The Zaks” where they refused to budge for so long that the new highway had to be built around them?

Or we can dangle carrots at one or both parties to entice them to get down on their own – but carrots bread skepticism about the agenda of those dangling the carrots… and often lead to stoic resistance on the part of the targets.

Or we can work to get people ready to take at least the first baby steps towards climbing down on their own. This is by far the hardest solution – but also the one with the most potential to actually resolve the issue and bring closure that allows people to move on. It needs someone who has a reasonable level of credibility with all the parties, who can get their attention and help them to start to look at the situation more objectively. What is their story based on – facts or assumptions elevated to the level of fact but without any objective verification? Is there information that they don’t have that the other party might know? Are there questions they need answers to? Who can give them those answers? What is the real issue that needs to be resolved? (It is rarely the one that the parties are talking about.. that is likely a symptom of the real issue - but is not the fundamental underlying cause of the problem). What if they choose to stay trapped in their story and not resolve the problem? What if someone else in authority (boss, government, arbitrator) steps in and makes the decision for everyone – what will that look like?

But let’s get real folks! Nobody is going to give up their story if it means that the perception is that they lose and the other side wins… Collective bargaining is traditionally a pushing and shoving process in which both sides attempt to win ‘big’ by making the other side lose as much as possible. And it is traditionally based on compromise – people knowing that they will have to give up some things in order to gain others resulting in both sides offering less than they are willing to give and demanding more than they know they will get in order to create room to negotiate. But compromise does not solve problems when it is used in situations where the stakes are high – it typically creates short-term settlements that are often superficial and unsatisfactory for all concerned but are accepted as ‘the best we could do’.

So the challenge is how can we get all the parties working on the same problem? Because everyone owns some part of the resolution of this and none of us is as smart as all of us! The drivers, dispatchers, mechanics and administrative staff of OC Transpo know the reality of providing transit service in the city better than anyone – they DO it every day! And the city staff and municipal government know the reality of the budgets and commitments it takes to operate a city the size of Ottawa – they work with it every day. So how can we get out of this hole that we’re in?
1. Stop digging the deeper the hole the harder it is to get out of it!
2. Look at the long term implications for both the city and the union. Recognize that strikes hurt everyone and there will be negative impacts on both sides that will increase the longer it goes on. What if all those riders find that their alternative solutions work well and they get used to functioning without the transit system? Will they come back when the strike is over? What impact could that have?
3. Stop demonizing the other side and acknowledge that everyone owns part of the creation of this situation and everyone owns part of solving it
4. Change the mindset (just a LITTLE bit) and get curious – what don’t you know about the other party’s reality?
5. Start listening to each other and learning from each other (this may require some help from an experienced mediator / facilitator)
6. Recognize that there are 3 sides to every story – yours, mine and what really happened… Work to let go of ‘We own the one and only whole truth and we’re totally RIGHT – and recognize that there everyone’s perspective is valid to them – even if you don’t agree from it.
7. Look at it as a joint problem that needs all parties involved to solve it well – focus on “How can we deliver efficient cost-effective transit services while supporting our transit employees to have a good quality of life and a healthy working environment?”
8. Recognize that fighting and striking is the easy way out while committing to finding a resolution that works can be tough and difficult work – but it is the only way that things get fixed. It takes courage and guts to change directions and acknowledge there are other choices… Do the union and city leadership / negotiation teams have the courage? That remains to be seen!

Ruth Sirman is a veteran in the world of workplace mediation specializing in assisting groups to find practical and workable solutions to seemingly intractable conflicts. Her professional practice takes her across North America working with federal, provincial and territorial governments, corporations, NGO’s, churches, communities and the courts. She designed and teaches the acclaimed Power to Resolve Program including modules on Discovering Your Resolution Quotient, I’m OK – It’s Everyone Else Who Needs Help!!, Mastering Difficult Situations and People You Find Challenging, From Discord to Dialogue, Organziational Conflict 911. Her website is www.canmediate.com.

Discover Your RQ – Your Relationship and Resolution Quotient™

2008-09-24T22:52:00.000-04:00

I had a conversation with my grandmother many years ago about a conflict in which I found myself and how the other person in the conflict had caused me so much grief and stress. It was just not fair!! My grandmother’s response has stuck with me over the years. She said “Ruth, I have been a part of many situations over the course of my life (she was 95 at the time) – and no matter what the situation was, or who was involved, there is one thing that is always the same. I bring ME to every situation in which I am involved…and so I own part of everything that happens to me.”

Her point was well taken. As human beings, we have a default blueprint for how we deal with conflict and difficult situations that we have developed over the course of our lifetime. This blueprint often operates in the background and we may be totally unaware of how it is impacting our decisions and actions unless we choose to delve into what the blueprint is and what influence it is having in our lives. How do we do that?

CanMediate International is offering a course called Discover Your RQ in Ottawa, ON Canada on Oct 7 as a fundraiser for the United Way / Centraide Ottawa. We have waived the tuition fees and will collect donations to the United Way / Centraide instead. For more information check out our website at www.canmediate.com or contact us at 613-256-3852.

Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few moments and consider the following questions:
1. When you encounter a difficult situation or a conflict, what is your typical response?
2. How does this response change if you change the context (ie workplace v.s. home?)?
3. What works about this approach?
4. What does not work about this approach? (what could you do better?)
5. Who do you know in your family who tends to use a similar approach to conflict?
6. What areas of managing conflict could you improve in terms of your skills and approach?
7. How will you improve your skill levels and approach?
8. Create a plan of 3 actions that you will take within the next 7 days. Write them down and share them with someone who can help you achieve your goals.

Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com

Leadership and the Global Crisis

2008-08-08T17:44:00.000-04:00

What situations are happening in our world that you don't know enough about?
How can you get accurate information about what is happening?
Who else has a stake in this problem?
What action could you take to invite these individuals or groups to start working together on the problem(s)?
What obstacles might get in your way, in terms of getting things moving?
What steps can you take to overcome these challenges?

My grandmother used to say that 'Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal..." - wise words!!Create an awesome week!

Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.

The Conflict Resolution Workout!! by Ruth Sirman: Homelessness Doesn't Have to Create Conflict!!

2008-05-08T23:44:00.000-04:00

The Conflict Resolution Workout!! by Ruth Sirman: Homelessness Doesn't Have to Create Conflict!!

Life in the DIS-Comfort Zone!

2008-05-08T22:43:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed that there is a relationship between exercising your brain and the break-down of your comfort zone? Or maybe it’s more that as we learn new things and begin to integrate them into our lives those new ideas tend to push us out of our comfort zone and into a new way of looking at the world. I went to a seminar today – The 2008 Powerhose Sales and Networking Event put on by Colleen Francis of Engage Selling (http://www.engageselling.com/) and I found myself rubbing up against the rough edges of my comfort zone. This was not a bad thing!

I run a business. I am a mediator and a trainer but I am also a business person whose primary role is to create business opportunities for myself and those who work for me to use our mediation and training skills to help our clients. I have been told that I am good at what I do – as a mediator and a trainer and I freely admit – I love what I do. However, I have also come to realize that if I want to continue to do those things, I need to become a proficient business person who can generate the volume of business that will create the opportunities I desire. This means learning to write proposals, develop marketing plans, hire staff, read financial statements, meet clients and close deals. I can pay others to do many of these things but even if I am not the person actually doing the work, I need to understand enough of the business side of things to make sound decisions, know when I am getting good advice (and when I am NOT) and to strategically take the business in a direction that will maximize its success (client service and satisfaction, profitability and fun) for those of us who work here!

As I listened to the various speakers Colleen lined up for our learning pleasure today, I found myself reflecting on where I am today compared to where I was when I started this business in 1996. I had found a profession that I fell in love with and which provided me with the opportunities to get paid for doing what I would love to do! What more could anyone ask for… however, the business reality was an unexpected adventure.

Mediation can be a tough profession – clients are typically upset with each other (and that often carries over to their relationship with you, the mediator), every case is different so the ongoing learning curve is steep and constant and your professional reputation often hinges on the level of success you achieve in your first few mediations – no pressure there!! All of that I could handle – I actually found myself thriving on that… but nobody told me when I started in to this that I would also have to learn to sell.

The sales profession is not an area that I have much experience with – at least not in the formal sense of business selling. While I believe that we spend most of our lives selling – our ideas, agendas, goals, expectations and plans – to those we interact with, our families, co-workers, bosses, neighbours, team mates etc. over the years I have convinced myself that I cannot sell. And that is a disaster for a business owner. If you believe you can’t sell, how can you market your products or services to the clients who need them? How can you create enough business to make your company financially viable let alone profitable? And ultimately, how long can you stay in business without the capacity to generate new clients and keep the old ones.

So several years ago, I came to the conclusion that I either had to master this selling thing – or go out of business and go back to a T-4 income working for someone else. Now I have been self-employed long enough to know that it would not be easy to make that transition and that I would have a significant level of pity for anyone who had the misfortune to become my boss… because I have honed that entrepreneurial independence that does not ‘fit’ well with the title ‘employee’. So my latest learning journey has taken me into business and sales focused learning opportunities. And today I have learned a few more tools to add to my sales repertoire. I have learned that:
- Selling is about consistently doing the small things that may seem unimportant – but mean the difference between a good sales person and a top sales performer. Things like emotionally engaging with your prospective clients and staying in front of your clients – on a regular basis
- It’s important to know your market and your audience – who is that ideal client and – in particular, finding ways to market to women and men that suit the female and male style of doing business
- I need to know myself – where is my brilliance and how can I market that brilliant expertise to the people who will be most interested and who need it
- I need to become a visible expert in the areas that reflect my brilliance – so that my ideal customers find it easy to find me
- I need to convince myself to let go of the areas that I do well – but less brilliantly so that I can leverage my time and energy to make the most of the top talents I have…
- I need to find creative ways to bring the services I offer to the clients who need them – in a timely, consistent and cost-effective fashion
- I need to stay connected with the world of technology so that I will know what is available, how things are changing and how I can use these new tools to my business advantage
- I need to be prepared to make the most of the adventure of learning, failing, falling and growing so that at the end of the day I can look back and say with a huge smile and in all honesty – ‘That was a fun and exhilarating ride – and I would do it again in a minute!’
- And mostly – I need to believe in myself and surround myself with those whose success I can learn from and whose positive energy will help me to stay focused and on track in order to achieve the success I desire

Much of this is way out of my comfort zone – but one thing I have learned from 12 years in this business is that the farther out of my comfort zone I move, the greater the opportunities I encounter and the more I learn. So as my Grandmother once said “Keep learning – don’t ever stop - because the day you stop learning is the day you die. Even though your body may still be moving, your brain will be gone.” Thanks Grandma… I plan to do just that!

The Conflict Resolution Workout:
1. What habits have you acquired that are keeping you stuck in your comfort zone?
2. What is the cost to you of being stuck there? in your personal life? your business / work life?
3. Who or what has the capacity or ability to nudge / push / fling you out into that discomfort zone where learning and growth take place?
4. What is your personal learning plan for the next week? 30 days? 90 days? 1 year? long term?
5. What is your personal action plan for the next week? 30 days? 90 days? 1 year? long term?

Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.

Homelessness Doesn't Have to Create Conflict!!

2008-04-28T07:58:00.000-04:00

I watched the 'Off the Streets' segment of CBC’s The National with great interest. Homelessness, like many other challenges we face as a society is a complex and multi-faceted problem that can seem overwhelming to solve. While there are no simple solutions to these types of problems, it was refreshing to see the comprehensive and collaborative approach that has been taken by the Portland team of organizations and individuals who are making this work – and making a difference in the lives of those who are often marginalized on many levels. As a mediator, I often find that people shy away from tackling the tough problems they face as they can't figure out where to start and they don't want to make the situation worse. Part of our job is to help people find ways to work together to solve tough problems. There are no conflicts or problems that we as a society cannot solve when we are willing and able to work together. I see this all the time with the organizations, communities and workplaces with whom we work - when frustration and anger are replaced by a willingness to explore the multitude of factors that are contributing to a problem, confront the issues constructively and put their collective knowledge, wisdom and experience to work to find ‘solutions that WORK!!!’ I hope that other communities will find both the grass roots drive and the political will to create similar success stories for the challenging problems confronting us – crime, the environment, hunger, bullying, conflict and more… My grandmother used to remind us constantly that ‘None of us is as smart as all of us’. Thank you for showcasing a prime example of collaboration and constructive problem solving at work!

Conflict Resolution Workout!!
Take a few minutes and think about:
1. What problems in your world are too big for you to handle alone?
2. Who else has a stake in this problem?
3. What conversations do you need to have with these individuals or groups to start working together on the problem(s)?
4. What obstacles might get in your way, in terms of starting a productive discussion?
5. What steps can you take to overcome these challenges?
My grandmother used to say that 'Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal..." - wise words!!
Create an awesome week!

Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.

What's Buried Under the 'Snow' in Your World?

2008-03-19T21:34:00.000-04:00

It’s raining today and the massive snow banks are starting to melt. It’s that time of year when things that have been buried begin to reappear… wet, mucky and not necessarily in the same shape they were when they got buried… In the spring the countryside has a dirty, messy, cluttered look to it that can be depressing. Isn’t this a similar dynamic to what happens in situations where there are problems that have not been cleaned up / resolved properly? We often leave things unresolved and unfinished and then life happens… and those unfinished and unresolved ‘things’ can get buried under life’s new issues and challenges… but just like the detritus buried under the snow, they don’t go away! And unlike the garbage on the lawn they don’t just sit there waiting for the snow to melt, when it’s unresolved issues / conflicts that get buried, they will fester and grow until they burst through the covering blanket of the present…

Spring is a time of rebirth and a time of new beginnings! In order for spring to happen though, the new growth has to be able to get past all the muck left from the previous seasons… That can be a big challenge. In conflict situations, in order to get past the litter that has accumulated from all the past interactions there has to be a willingness to pick up the residual ‘stuff’ that is hidden and deal with it in a constructive fashion. Any effort to move forward without the willingness to address the underlying issues will create a shaky future – built on the shifting sands of past unresolved problems! This does not mean getting stuck in the past but it does mean creating a constructive environment in which the issues that need to be addressed get addressed and people are provided with a well set up and well run process that provides them with the opportunity to examine the factors that have contributed to the evolution of the current reality and find constructive and productive means of resolving these factors. This can be a daunting challenge when people are caught in the paralyzing negative energy of fear, frustration and angst. It is unrealistic to assume that a group can move beyond this paralysis without help! With the appropriate help and support, people have an incredible Power to Resolve the conflicts they face, providing they are willing to invest the time, energy and resources to clean up the mess and open the way for new growth and change.

The Conflict Resolution Workout:
Take a few minutes and analyze your situation as objectively as possible:
1. What is hidden under the snow in your world? (old issues, fights, assumptions, hurts...)
2. Who else is a player in these past situations?
3. What costs have these unresolved issues created for you? For others?
4. What impact has this had on you? Your family?
5. What could you do - even small efforts - to change the dynamics?
6. Do you need help to make it work?

Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International, is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at http://www.canmediate.com/.

The Slippery Slope of Procrastination

2008-03-04T12:47:00.000-05:00

Have you ever found yourself procrastinating dealing with something that is causing you stress or angst? I found myself today putting off starting a difficult job – I cleaned up, I played computer games, I sent emails to friends, I made snacks and essentially I frittered away a good portion of the day that could have been put to much more productive use… all because I was scared to wade into something I had never done before. And so here I sit at 10:15pm doing work that has to be done but could have been done much earlier today – and beating myself up for it too!!

So why do we procrastinate? The old axiom “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today” that was preached by our parents and grandparents still rattles through my brain – I have been hearing it all my life. But I still procrastinate. I have often thought about the implications of procrastination – where does it come from? why is it so prevalent? what contributes to it? and what is the cost on a personal level, a business level and a societal level?

What procrastination really comes down to is accountability for results. I contribute to my success or failure by what I choose to do (or not do) not just in the bigger picture but hour by hour, minute by minute. Whenever I am not focused and aligned with my goals, then I will not be moving forward and so I actively contribute to maintaining the status quo in my world. The movie ‘The Secret’ talks about The Law of Attraction and how we co-create our own reality. While it makes a lot of sense, it is a scary reality for many of us. It is so much easier to blame our failures on external circumstances, other people – anywhere but where the problem belongs → squarely on our own shoulders. That is not to say that we have total control over everything that happens to us. We don’t, but we do have total control over how we choose to react in any given situation. The prisoners in concentration camps could not choose to just walk away – they did not have control over whether they stayed or went. But they did have control over how they chose to respond – and they started schools and orchestras. We may be dealing with problems that are much less severe than incarceration in a concentration camp but we still have the power to choose.

Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen and Les Hewitt talk about the power of our habits in their book “The Power of Focus” and how those habitual patterns we have developed can impede our ability to achieve the results we want and get in the way of our success. Assessing our habits is not something that we do objectively on a regular basis – but there is great power in being aware and knowing when and how we get in our own way. Their process of assessment, awareness and understanding of our habits is enlightening to say the least. And their strategies for changing those patterns that are getting in our way can help us to get back on track. We have the power to change. We have the power to succeed. We only need to draw the line in the sand and say “Enough already – this is not working” and then decide. There is immense power in decision and we have untold potential to make things happen when we take that control into our own hands and use it constructively to keep ourselves in the game.

The Conflict Resolution Workout:
Success in any endeavour is typically not the result of luck, coincidence or fate, it is the result of a combination of small efforts that work together to change the current situation and create the success we want. Take a few minutes and analyze your situation:
1. What habits are holding you back?
2. What baggage is dragging you down?
3. Are you terrified? (I believe that we do our best work when we are scared stiff!!)
4. What are you doing right this minute to keep yourself in the game?
5. What small efforts / changes can you make that will bring your energy to a more positive and productive level?

Ruth Sirman is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com.

What is Your Leadership RQ? - Conflict Management for Leaders

2008-03-04T10:19:00.000-05:00

Has unexpected conflict ever created serious problems in your organization?
Do 20% of your employees consume 80% of your time?
Have you ever walked away from a situation unhappy with the way you handled it? Or laid awake at night trying to figure out the best way to handle a situation?

Leadership is one of the most used words in the workplace vocabulary these days. But what does it mean? Is it where our name sits on the Org Chart? Is it the job classification category that we hold or the number of direct reports we have? Is it our vision for the organization and our capacity to take the organization in that direction? Is it the personal skills and attributes that we bring to the role that we have? Can one be a leader without the fancy office, the position title and the big salary? What influence does ‘who’ we are have on how we lead?

If we take a group of individuals and bring them together, give them a mandate and a job to do, provide some resources, develop policies and procedures and put someone in charge we have created an organization. But not every organization meets its mandate or achieves what it set out to do. What makes the difference between a group that efficiently gets the job done and one that limps along achieving mediocre results at best (and typically making excuses for the ongoing failure to produce results).

The level and style of leadership in the organization is often the tipping point between success and failure to achieve results. There are many factors that influence what is going on in an organization but few things have the potential to derail the group’s capacity to function normally like a good conflict. And unresolved or poorly resolved conflict can rapidly escalate a minor problem into a negative dynamic that can create unparalleled levels of dysfunctionality, stress, tension and disruption.

The style of leadership in managing interpersonal and organizational conflicts is a major factor influencing the way employees react when they find themselves facing problems. Every human being has a default pattern that defines our instinctive reactions in conflict situations. Most of us are unaware what that pattern is, where it came from and whether it is supporting our success or impeding it. As leaders, our level of influence in our organizations is significant. Thus our own personal Conflict Blueprint is a key factor in defining our leadership style, particularly in those times when our leadership is most important – in situations of crisis and conflict.

Ruth Sirman is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com.

Is Your Conflict BlueprintTM Working For You???

2007-11-21T00:45:00.000-05:00

By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

As I was growing up there were many times when I found myself thinking “If I was a mom, I would never do (or say) THAT to my children..”. And then one day when I actually had children of my own and things were not going well, I opened my mouth and out came all those things that I had naively sworn I would never say. It was not one of my more ‘stellar’ moments and when I realized what had happened, I was devastated. How could I have inflicted on my wonderful innocent children the same hurtful words that had been said to me? And to be honest, it happened not once but many times throughout my parenting years.

Well, life goes on and my children appear to have survived those days – and I did too. However it started me wondering why rational and intelligent adults can find themselves saying and doing things that are not particularly wise, logical or helpful. As a professional mediator, I often work with people struggling to deal with the difficult and stressful situations in which they find themselves – at home, at work or in their personal lives. People will describe their reactions during the conflict and then say things like “Once I thought about it, I realized that I could have done things differently and it would have changed everything”, or “I always avoid conflict – and then I kick myself later for not standing up for myself”, or “I know fighting doesn’t solve anything but when my buttons get pushed, I just react”. So why do we get caught up in these habitual reactions that often do not work rather than doing what we know would be more constructively helpful?

Humans are creatures of ‘habit’ - actions or thoughts that are ingrained in our behaviour patterns through repetition. The more often we think it or do it, the more deeply embedded it becomes in our personal operating procedures. So take my beliefs about conflict and add my habitual behaviour patterns in conflict situations and that creates my default Conflict BlueprintTM that drives my instinctive (and often involuntary) responses to conflict when it erupts.

So where did this Conflict BlueprintTM come from? The short answer is that it has been carefully developed over the course of our life time. As we move through our lives we learn from each conflict situation we encounter. Each entry is carefully filed away in our brain and contributes to our Blueprint – either positively or negatively (or both!). Children are influenced primarily by the key adults in their lives – and each adult has a Conflict BlueprintTM that they will selflessly (and often unconsciously) share with the children in their care. Children are fast learners and don’t necessarily pick up on the habits and attributes adults would prefer them to choose!

However, our Blueprint has only as much power as we choose to give it and if we don’t like it, we can change it! So if I have habitually avoided conflict, always given in to the other person or aggressively defended my point of view and I now realize that this is not getting me the results I want – I have the power to make changes to that blueprint. Awareness of its existence and the ability to critically analyze it and decide what to keep and what to change is the first step. This means accepting that I choose my actions and behaviour – in all situations. This can be a tough pill to swallow, because it’s so much easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility myself. The second step is to honestly (and objectively) assess what beliefs and habits are operating. This means being totally honest about what I do – not what I’d like to believe I do. Step three is to create new and more constructive habits and beliefs and put them into action. This is tough to do and requires determination and focus plus a willingness to invest the necessary energy to change long-standing habitual patterns. A supportive counselor or mentor can help create a realistic action plan and provide support and accountability!

In our current world, the ability to resolve conflict effectively is becoming increasingly recognized as a valuable attribute. If your Conflict BlueprintTM is supporting you in your efforts to resolve conflicts constructively, then it is actually supporting your success. If not, then change is possible and it may be helpful to remember that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing again and again – and expect different results!!

Ruth Sirman is a professional mediator and trainer who teaches the same skills she has used since 1996 to help groups resolve conflicts in government, corporations, communities, churches and schools. For more information, check out her website at www.canmediate.com.

Welcome to our Conflict Resolution Blog!

2007-10-30T22:00:00.000-04:00

Behind 'the Front' – The Cost of Pretense

By Ruth Sirman, CanMediate International

www.canmediate.com

It's Tuesday. October 30 and as I am sitting here contemplating this week, I realized that it's the end of October and Halloween is just around the corner - a time in my culture where children go door to door dressed up in costumes loudly proclaiming 'Trick or Treat'. Traditionally this meant that if they didn't receive some kind of 'treat' there would be a 'trick' played on the reluctant homeowner. Children (and adults alike) look forward to Halloween as an opportunity to put on a costume and pretend to be someone or something that is different from who we are... (and collect free stuff from their neighbours). And yet, in many ways we live part of Halloween every day. We wear masks and pretend on many levels. In our interactions with others or when something is said that upsets us, we often pretend that all is ok - while on the inside we are somewhere on the continuum between seething and devastatingly hurt.

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Rage Angry Upset Irritated Neutral Confused Sad Hurt Offended Distraught

So we portray a 'public face' when we are with others that may be very different than who we truly are... or where we are truly at.

While typically we choose to put on this good ‘front’, particularly in a conflict situation, as a means of protecting ourselves or to maintain our 'professional image', it has a cost. Pretense of any kind requires an input of energy to keep it up… and it can be difficult to maintain a pretense in the longer term as we need to continually over-ride the genuine state that is our being at any particular moment. This can lead to a build up of stress, tension and strain as we suck in all the negative emotions we are experiencing and internalize it all in an effort to present a face that says “All is well in my world”.

All that stress and tension has to go somewhere – it does not just disappear. Dr Pamela Peeke talks in her book “Fight Fat After 40” about how our traditional ‘Fight or Flight’ response to danger has been replaced in our modern society by “Stew and Chew”. As we stew about a problem, for many of us we are likely to head straight for some type of comfort food - and that can create another whole set of problems!!

It is impossible to be hurt or upset and to genuinely portray that all is well. Let's face it - you can't fake 'genuine'. There will be clues - possibly non-verbal and subtle, but still there, that all is not well. And those non-verbal clues tell a powerful tale. When the words and the non-verbals don't match - the message communicated to others is incongruent and no matter what words we say, it is the non-verbal clues that will dominate every time. And this can create a challenge for those around us – as the confusion created by our ‘mixed messages’ leaves others struggling to understand what is really going on.

In a conflict situation, mixed messages make it difficult to get to the bottom of the situation and get it resolved as people are often unsure of what problem needs to be resolved. And when there is no accurate information available, as humans, we tend to speculate. And the results of unleashed speculation are rarely accurate (or constructive!!).

When confronted by a conflict that is not resolving itself, there are several critical questions we need to pose to ourselves and answer honestly. Take the next few minutes and do this week's Conflict Resolution WorkoutTM to understand how our day to day 'Halloween' may be impacting on our lives and our success.

What mask am I wearing today - in this situation, with these people?
Is it the same mask that I wear regularly in this context or has it changed?
On what level am I pretending that all is 'ok' - when it isn't?
What might the cost of that pretense be? On a personal level? A professional level? A family level?
What will happen if I choose not to take any action?
Will this situation go away on its own? Or will it just percolate and grow if I choose to ignore it?
If I could snap my fingers and resolve this situation ideally – what would that look like?
What is getting in the way of me resolving this situation?
How could I be honest with others about where I am at - without jeopardizing my feeling of safety or professionalism?
Would it help to talk to someone about this who could help me develop a strategy?

De-stress your week! Resolve a conflict today…

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Ruth Sirman is a Conflict Resolution Specialist, Trainer, Speaker and Facilitator who has helped more than 50 organizations and 12,000 people deal with difficult situations in their lives more constructively. Her practical, creative and thought provoking style has won her high accolades from her clients and course participants.

CanMediate International is a full service conflict management company.
Read other articles by Ruth, check out their services and contact Ruth at www.canmediate.com.
Let us help you de-stress your life and resolve a conflict today!!